


Laugh Till I Cry

by hazeytoe



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Drinking, Homophobia, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Smoking, Sorry Not Sorry, Swearing, i think of adding more pairings in the future, im probably crying while writing this, lots of homophobia tbh, mingyu is a sweetest wallflower who is still trying to socialize, more svt members to be featured, wonwoo may be a complete jerk idk yet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-12
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-08-22 03:16:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8270528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hazeytoe/pseuds/hazeytoe
Summary: Desperately seeking for everyone's attention Mingyu got locked in a small prison of his.But for the boy a glimpse of whom he caught one day at the grossest whopee ever he would still be that nasty kind of a party person. I laugh till I cryI party all of the timeI must have liked it a couple of years agoBut at some point I changed my mind





	1. i'm dreaming of strangers kissing me in the night

The one who hides oneself from the world usually should stand out the most. The one who doesn’t smile usually tends to smile at oneself while being submerged into books or any activity that doesn’t require any socialization. The one who is angry with everyone has a deep hole in soul that needs knitting up. The one who doesn’t cry but still makes a sad facial expression tends to cry alone afterwards.

This passage was Mingyu’s motto the moment he entered high school. And it’s hard for him to say whether it’s his motto now. He is on his first term in a college now and everything seems blurred.

Mingyu feels that he has changed drastically.

You know when you’re a sixteen-year old highschooler you try your best to socialize and not to lose yourself in this cesspit of those who are too happy to actually give a fuck about everything that goes around them and should somehow bother them and those who are too depressed to continue living. Mingyu was that kind of a person who actually seemed like he didn’t care about anything that surrounded him but deep inside he did care. A lot. He was a wallflower who desperately tried not to be alone and sacrificed his true self for the sake of popularity.

Just an ordinary kid who was too shy to hug his mother in public, yet longed for her embrace every time he got home. And there was no one to hug him besides her.

This awful high school experience looked like a gingerbread house and Mingyu felt that if he didn’t gain enough attention to himself in those three years of schooling there would be no chance for him to be a successful college student in the future. The exaggerating was a vital part of Mingyu’s existence since the very moment he entered elementary school and was left out of the society circle by two petty blighters whose mothers were too busy to teach their kids some manners. Mingyu was an emotional wreck every time he came home but at the same time he was strong enough not to let his mother know anything about what was going on during his the-school-from-hell-aka-everything-makes-me-wanna-die-deep-inside routine.

The elementary school came to an end but Mingyu’s life, unfortunately, didn’t.

After his awful middle school experience (again), Mingyu was lucky enough to find out that his family was going to move to another city the name of which he had never heard before. But who actually cares about names when you have an opportunity to leave the real life hell and change your life for the better?

The new city appeared to be a stronghold of assholes and so did the high school Mingyu attended.

In order to survive he had to become an asshole too even though deep inside he had this kid from an elementary school who was desperately crying over broken lego figures, crying for some help in minutes of hopelessness and crying because there was no one to understand him. Crying, crying and crying. Everyone around him lacked all understandings yet everyone’s attention was something he wished to own.

The high school was the grossest party you can imagine to be held. Ever. There was everything Mingyu had ever dreamt about: a bunch of party kids, who would always invite him on every whoopee, a fuck ton of girls, who would like to open their legs in front of him just because they were charmed by his behavior of an asshole — of a really handsome asshole, since Mingyu was a pure definition of manliness and good looks — and the so-called group of people he would usually hang out with. If it hadn’t been for his constant uneasiness before the high school he would have been the same kind of a guy then.

No doubt, Mingyu used every opportunity that this kind of life gave him. You know, when you’re trying to build a jail for your actual thoughts deep inside your heart there is always gonna be a moment, a starting point for this jail to start having being built by itself. And it all started when Mingyu was on the party of a guy whose name he didn’t even try to find out. Booze, dancing girls, guys trying to stay still on their feet, woozy punks taking another doze and Mingyu, drinking one bottle of beer after another, laughing at vulgar jokes of his hypothetical classmates and too drunk to be self-conscious. That drunk that he didn’t notice a girl grabbing him by a hand and pulling him to the second floor of the apartment where they ended up making out in a fuck knows, whose bedroom it was. In the morning he discovered that this girl was a sister of the captain of the basketball team he was eager to join, that’s why he was forced to date her for at least a couple of months for the sake of his reputation and, actually, well-being.

But every day from then he remember a boy a glimpse of whom he caught while leaving the house that morning. There was something about that boy, that left an imprint on Mingyu’s thoughts. He didn’t know whether it was his face so full of dullness in this cesspit of drunken feast or the way he made an eye-contact with Mingyu. The boy’s eyes were full of calmness yet there was something so desperate that Mingyu’s heart skipped a beat even though he has never understood why. He even felt uneasy. But for the one of Mingyu’s friends they might have had a starring contest there. He remembered hearing the voice of that boy, and his voice sounded so husky and intimate just by him saying a quiet “okay”. Mingyu’s cheeks got red and he was bewildered by his sudden reaction on this stranger, on this boy whom he was not to meet in the nearest future.

Whom he has been thinking about every day from then.

And then, in one and a half years the college started.

 

 

 

 

“Mingyu, you’re going to be late for the next class if you don’t lift this ass of your own from the chair”, Jihoon is so grouchy every time he talks about Mingyu that the boy thinks he has known him for quite a long time even though they met only a month ago.

“I’m not going to be late still I have these long legs, you know. Stop being so frowning”.

They are sitting in the cafeteria and spending their leisure being submerged into textbooks and having small bites of each other’s sandwiches. It slightly became a tradition for them to sit here and have small talks between math formulas and king dates. They usually have this time of their own but twice a week, on Mondays and Thursdays, Seungcheol comes here too and becomes the apple of discord because Jihoon is too vulnerable to everything he says and Mingyu is such a douchebag not to try to reveal it. And every time Mingyu says that Jihoon’s gay crush is oozing he has his back slapped and his whole existence scolded.

Still, Jihoon can’t admit that he actually has a gay crush on Seungcheol even though Mingyu is not homophobic and sometimes even tries to encourage Jihoon in his complicated love. There is no way Mingyu is gonna be a homophobic kid because there’s always the boy’s face floating in his mind. He isn’t sure whether he remembers every detail of that stranger’s face because he isn’t sure either if he knew them from the very beginning.

But he’s absolutely sure that there is something going inside of his mind and heart because he hasn’t forgotten this boy from that very moment exactly one and a half years ago.

And this is definitely not love. Just something strange, unusual.

“You’d better pack your things because I’m gonna leave this place in a minute”, Jihoon is staring at Mingyu, eyes full of desire to kill. It’s hard to say when Jihoon is in a good mood because every second of his life he looks like a little devil, and that just something went wrong in hell that we have this kid here in college.

Mingyu sighs heavily, closes his copybook with the help of which he has been trying to revise the material for his Philosophy seminar and puts everything in his backpack. But for existence of such a study as Philosophy he’ll probably be a little more happier than he is now. Not to mention that existence of every subject he studies distresses him to that point that every morning he wakes with just a single sentence leaving his mouth: “Should I probably kill myself or wait for this college system to bump me off?”

Yet, he has to suffer from this suffocating routine for almost 4 years.

Mingyu stands up and moves his chair before joining Jihoon on their way out. They have 10 minutes before another class starts. The weather today is unusually pleasant: the sun shines brightly covering people’s heads with golden specks, there’s no hint of raining – that’s why the constant absence of umbrella doesn’t sadden Mingyu today – and it somehow feels like summer. Not that summer they spent being too nervous about forthcoming college life but that of a childhood when they were too small to actually be nervous.

“I wrote a song yesterday,” Jihoon says. “It’s just a sketch but I thought you may want to listen”.

With these words he hands Mingyu an earphone. The latter boy takes it, excited. Jihoon is the one who chose the major that he likes even after the month of studying, because he has always been kind of a genius in music sphere. Even though he is already writing his songs – that, Mingyu thinks, are pretty good – he still needs to study, for example, such thing as Music theory, way more deeper than he already did at home. And major in Music Composition gives every opportunity to gain such kind of knowledge and attend extra courses that may be not that essential but are definitely interesting.

This time it is a short indie instrumental, which is not the kind of music that Mingyu usually listens to, but he somehow likes this particular one. It reminds him of that times when he was fourteen and would sit in the park near his house alone, listening to old songs and reading every book he was to find in his father’s library. But Mingyu is sure that if Jihoon writes lyrics to this instrumental it won’t remind him of that small epoch in his life anymore. Even though Jihoon doesn’t look like a person who writes about love his almost every song is about love. And Mingyu has never experienced what does the word “love” mean despite looking it up in dictionaries.

“I like it,” Mingyu looks at Jihoon and gives his not the brightest (but at least it shines) smile. “Sounds like a song that is gonna be about Seungcheol. Again”.

“Fuck you! Remind me of not letting you listen to my songs ever again”.

“As you wish. At least try to hide it. I think Seungcheol is already aware about everything that goes on in that evil heart of yours”.

“There’s nothing going on in my heart, how many times should I tell you this…” and then Jihoon checks himself because he sees one psychopath running towards them with his arms wide open and the most brightest smile on his face. “Mingyu, fuck. You should warn him about my attitude towards skinship or I’ll kill…”

And here comes Seokmin. He bumps into this apogee of gloom and gives them a bear hug, making Jihoon have a cringe attack again and Mingyu free a sincere smile. Even though Seokmin may be the strangest person Mingyu has ever known he’s still the one whom Mingyu doesn’t want to lose. Not to mention that everyone around Mingyu is so strange and unique that their disappearance from his life won’t make him feel any better.

“Hey, guys. What are you doing after classes today?” Seokmin ends up leaning on Mingyu’s shoulder since Jihoon already feels enough breach of personal space.

“I think of falling asleep the moment I enter my room and Mingyu is gonna do any shitty stuff he always does when nobody sees him”.

“I’m usually reading or watching short movies, don’t make me look like a pervert in others’ eyes!” Mingyu pouts and looks at Jihoon with the puppy eyes of his.

“Yeah, yeah, nobody really cares, stop thinking that everyone is going to blame you for everything you do,” Jihoon mumbles and then throws a glance at Seokmin. “So, what do you need us for?”

Seokmin smiles even more brightly if it’s actually possible and suddenly stands straight.

“There’s gonna be a presentation of the Spanish Club where I’m to perform with some other students and I really wanna you to pay me a visit then, please, please, please,” he smashes his palms together praying for Mingyu and Jihoon to agree.

“In case you don’t know, we can’t speak Spanish. Like, at all,” Mingyu sends a smirk.

“No, it’s not gonna be in Spanish so you’ll understand everything,” Seokmin takes out a motley leaflet that reads:

_The differences and similarities between languages all around the world and the reason why these differences and similarities actually exist._

_If you’re interested in anything that concerns languages, you’re welcome!_

_The Spanish Club is already waiting for you!_

_The presentation is to be held on the 8 th of October at 5:30 p.m._

_Bring your friends with you!_

“This leaflet is so ridiculous I bet you made it,” Jihoon laughs sincerely before taking the leaflet from Seokmin’s hand. “Well, we’ll be there. Make sure to buy us coffee tomorrow in the morning”.

And before Jihoon’s smile fades away he is hugged by a sunshine boy giving Jihoon goosebumps of disgust. But this time he’s too restrained in his anger towards Seokmin since this boy looks so happy just because of such a small thing.

“Seokmin, I haven’t answered on your love letter with “yes” so stop being that clingy!”

“I’m just so happy that you both will come…”

“But you haven’t asked about my opinion on this matter yet, how dare you to…” Mingyu tries to at least be noticed by these two kids who are too busy deciding for him.

“You both will come,” Seokmin gives Mingyu that smile that is very difficult to read so the latter accepts everything as it is by saying a quiet “okay”. “Great. I was afraid that no one would come but at least you two will be present. I’ll see you later, guys!”

And so Seokmin disappears leaving these two wondering why they have actually agreed. Maybe there is something charming about this boy as of every person, that gives their talents to a good cause, that it was hard to refuse his plea.

“Hyung, there’s the thing I wanna ask you about,” Mingyu speaks first with a voice full of worry.

“Yeah?”

“Are we this late for our classes that we’ll probably have our asses kicked out of rooms?”

“Fuck!”

 

 

 

Mingyu is lucky enough to arrive at his class and see that the teacher is still not present. He chooses the seat on the last row so that he won’t be asked much on this seminar since he’s not that prepared. Mingyu already wishes that the term would come to an end as soon as possible because Philosophy gives him headaches. It’s not like he hates Philosophy itself, it’s just their teacher is such a bore that this class for the vast majority of students is associated with sleeping.

At least this time Mingyu doesn’t fall asleep since he’s too afraid to be asked by the teacher. And also he remembers that he has a fuck ton of homework in German that needs doing and that he won’t probably sleep tonight since his afternoon has been occupied by the particular sunflower boy and his so loved Spanish Club.

The time Mingyu leaves the room Jihoon is already there, gloomy and at the same time furious.

“What happened, hyung?”

“Well, I was kicked out so I spent my time in the cafeteria when Seungcheol came with a beautiful girl, and they were giggling flirtatiously then she touched his hair and I was so angry, so furious that I thought I might kill her, Mingyu what the fuck, I’m just…”

“Stop”.

“I’m so miserable in my feelings towards him”.

They are standing leaning against the wall in the main hall. Tons of people are passing them by and they look so small in this overture to the adulthood. Every person that they see is a unique human being that has their own angst for anything existing in this world yet Jihoon feels and looks like the most miserable, the most angst-ridden one.

“Hyung, you’re so in love with him, you just have to admit it”.

Jihoon stays silent. He’s too busy thumbing fabric of his T-shirt and avoiding Mingyu’s stare. Everything tumbled out of his mouth and now he’s too ashamed of his own behavior.

“Hyung, there’s nothing bad in your feelings towards him, you just have to try harder, you know,” Mingyu ruffles Jihoon’s hair which is normally would be proceeded with Mingyu being hit while now it is something that Jihoon needs.

“He’s straight. It’s obvious. I bet he’s homophobic as hell because every fucking person I liked was either a slut or an extremely homophobic kid. But you know, there’s one problem…” Jihoon bites his nails not concerned about everything that’s going on around him since there’s a destructive hurricane inside his body.

“Yeah?”

“I think I’m already in a fucking love with him! What should I do?” with these words Jihoon lifts his head up staring at the ceiling blankly. There is no way for Mingyu to find out what this guy thinks about right now but obviously not about the possibility of him being happy in the nearest future. “Well, we have to go”.

Without asking questions, Mingyu follows Jihoon from this hall to another one, where Spanish Club is located. There’s no peaceful atmosphere between them as it was one and a half hour ago and Jihoon is too devastated to discuss any topic with Mingyu as he would usually do. Being in love with a person of the same gender as you is depressing when the loop of homophobia tightens around your neck. Students in college are more tolerate than highschoolers but still there’s always a chance to be blamed by everyone if you play for the other team.

The moment they enter the club’s room there are already some people sitting around the table or chatting near the bookcase full of Spanish course textbooks, fiction books and some other stuff that can’t be called study material, such as pop music CDs, mugs that are used by club’s members, notes stuck over the whole area with reminders on different projects written on them, etc. Windows are open letting fresh air in floating around and sending flowers’ aromas from one person to another. Here and there can be heard a jolly laugh and sounds of income texts’ notifications. There are not more than 20 people in the room but still the whole atmosphere sounds like of the main hall. The walls resonate everything that is said inside this area surrounded by four walls that are of the slightest blue tinge possible. The room feels so small for the people in it that it somehow perceived like every your thought is also audible.

Mingyu hasn’t managed to look at people’s faces yet when Seokmin calls for him. His face as usual is beaming with a heartwarming smile and there’s a short girl with a cup of something standing near him. She looks really small and calming beside this long-legged and extra cheerful body and personality of Seokmin’s. Her hair is pale blonde and she wears a brown beanie that perfectly suits her black leather jacket and high brown boots. Not to mention that she is too cute for Seokmin not to fall in love with her. And seeing his reddish cheeks Mingyu is absolutely sure that Seokmin has the sweetest crush possible on this little girl now.

“Hey, Mingyu!” Seokmin gives Mingyu a warm hug before continuing. “Didn’t see you coming in. Is Jihoon also here?”

While observing the room Mingyu forgot about Jihoon. He looks around to find a small figure in a green hoodie near the window, leaning against the wall and texting someone while having blank expression on his face.

“Yeah, Jihoon is also here but he needs to talk to someone first before joining our conversation,” Mingyu gives Seokmin one of these reassuring smiles and waits for it to work.

Seokmin is not dumb but still he eats it up as if it was the complete truth. Maybe he is too busy thinking of his crush standing next to him and almost touching his right arm with this little left shoulder of hers.

“Well, I hope he’ll join us asap. By the way, this is Daisy,” he looks at the girl and his cheeks become more of a red shade, “she’s the president of Spanish club”.

“Nice to meet you,” she stretches out her hand to Mingyu in order for them to mark this meeting with a handshake.

“Nice to meet you too,” Mingyu shakes her by the hand and then realizes that his name is still unknown to her. “I’m Mingyu, by the way”.

She laughs heartily yet quietly.

“Yeah, I know. Seokmin is such a chatterbox when it’s all about his friends”.

“I hope he didn’t spill the beans about any misfortune of mine,” and then Jihoon joins their conversation. He’s all smiles and amiability and this is somehow bewilders Mingyu.

“Hey, Seokmin. Sorry, I had a small talk with my friend, he wouldn’t stop texting,” he shakes hands with Seokmin and the next moment three of them are chatting as if nothing is happening to Jihoon. Only Mingyu stands here confused.

He observes Jihoon smiling much more than usual and this smile looks simulated. The person who was too devastated to function a couple of minutes ago cannot be that sincerely cheerful now. Mingyu have to figure everything out later at night when there is nobody to eavesdrop them.

“Mingyu, are you listening?” Seokmin calls for the boy who has again fallen in a deep ocean of thoughts.

“Yeah, why?”

“I’ve said there are some kids from your school here in the room. In case you needed more friends and bad memories”, the sunflower boys smiles and points out to the opposite end of the room.

There are three guys standing and one girl that looks too ordinary to attract Mingyu’s attention. These three guys too don’t look familiar to Mingyu since it’s hard to memorize everyone’s back of the neck.

“Nah, they don’t look familiar. At least now”, he turns his head back to his friends. “But I have another 2 hours to familiarize myself with them, I guess”.

“Especially when we’re to go the café after everything finishes”.

“Well, fuck”, Mingyu makes a desperate face. “I’ll have a wonderful night with my German homework today”.

Everyone laughs even though Mingyu looks like the most miserable human being right now. Yet Jihoon’s laugh sounds simulated.

 

 

 

It’s already 5:30 p.m. Everyone took their sits and is waiting for the first performer to start. Mingyu’s sit is on the left back so that he won’t participate in any discussions concerning today’s performance. There is no one sitting next to him but it doesn’t bother him since such type of activities as club performances don’t dispose him to talk to people and even to make the acquaintances. It’s just they dispose others to talk to Mingyu.

“Hey, can I sit here?” Mingyu hears an unfamiliar voice and looks up to see a guy with a huge smile sprawling from one ear to the other. His hair is somehow grayish.

“Sure”, he gives a small smile and the boy sits down on the chair near Mingyu.

For a couple of minutes Mingyu’s new neighbor sits in silence but then a fuck ton of words tumbles out his mouth.

“What’s your name? What’s your major? Why are you sitting here alone?”

Mingyu hears small “fucks” running through his mind because this is what he is to deal with for another 2 hours. But he doesn’t let his thoughts reflect on his face and somehow offend this annoying stranger.

“Well, I’m Mingyu, my major is Political Science and I’m not in a good mood that’s why I’m sitting here alone without my friends”, Mingyu answers with a slight smile and continues. “And what’s your name? And major?”

The guy stretches his right hand to Mingyu waiting for him to do the same. Now Mingyu can observe stranger’s face. His cheeks are round and with this wide smile of his he resembles a mouse, his eyes form a crescent moon shape and his gray hair falls on his eyebrows.

“Nice to meet you”, they shake each other’s hands. “I’m Soonyoung, my major is Journalism. Two weeks ago I met Seokmin in the library and it appeared that he was in Spanish Club. I always wanted to be able to speak any Romance language and Spanish looked like a great choice. So I spend here almost every day after classes with Seokmin and Daisy. Today is no exception”.

Soonyoung is a chatterbox, great. Mingyu usually doesn’t like this type of people even though he really does like Seokmin. No wonder these two, Seokmin and Soonyoung, know each other. Mingyu is about to say something to the gray-haired guy when he is interrupted.

“You know, I think I’ve met you before somewhere”.

Mingyu suddenly sweets blood. The time he graduated from his school he tried to find a college where there would be no person from his school. At least not more than 2-3 people to whom he had never talked before. The whole bunch of his classmates went to the colleges that were near their houses or not more than 15 miles away from them when Mingyu chose the one, which is in 100 miles away from his home. Of course, everyone tried to reassure him because “what college life they can talk about when there is no the Kim Mingyu”, and from “everything is gonna be shitty without you man” to the “I hope you won’t make out with any random girl when we’re not around, just kidding”.

And for fuck’s sake, Mingyu was ready to abandon every person in his school.

At first he thought that he won’t find any friends in college since he was still a wallflower boy even after these 3 years of gross parties and him being the almightiness among all highschoolers. He even wished it to be so since after this infinite loop of screaming boys and girls and cheap booze he felt like disappearing in a small and silent world of his own. But then he met Jihoon, who was too frowning to find friends by himself that’s why Mingyu was the first person to make steps towards their friendship. Then Seungcheol, whom Mingyu first saw in a small bookstore and they somehow got into a really long and enjoyable conversation, decided to share his coffee breaks with these two guys. And Seokmin one day just spilled his vanilla coke on Mingyu. This is the only way for Seokmin to make friends, no doubt.

When Mingyu heard Seokmin saying that some people from his old school were actually in this room he wasn’t that nervous at all, because he thought that Seokmin may have mistaken. Now that he hears from a complete stranger that the latter thinks he’s met him before Mingyu is much more than afraid and nervous.

But beyond doubt he still wishes to meet that guy from the party one and the half years ago. And Soonyoung is obviously not him.

“Are you sure?” Mingyu’s voice somehow drops but not enough for Soonyoung to notice.

“Yeah, I think… I mean, now that I see your face you look familiar. Let me think”, Soonyoung stares at Mingyu and the latter feels a bit uncomfortable to be inspected in such an unconcealed way. “Ah! Kim Mingyu, that guy whom everyone liked and sent a fuck ton of love letters and who made out with the Brian’s sister during one party!”

“Fuck you”.

“Excuse me?” Soonyoung lifts an eyebrow with a shit-eating grin on his face.

“Can you be a little bit quieter? I don’t want everybody to know anything about highschooler me”.

“Why not?”

“It’s a whole level of shit I’d like to be buried deep in the ground and then never be found”.

Soonyoung laughs cheerfully as if he has just heard a funny joke but Mingyu doubts it’s one. His cheeks become slightly red of a sudden embarrassment and he promises one day he’s gonna kill himself in order not to be in such situations.

Then he hears sms-notification sound. When Mingyu unblocks the phone he sees a short “can you please shut the fuck up” from Seokmin and lifts his head to see the guy. He sits near the computer and stares at Mingyu with his eyes full of anger and will to kill. They must be really loud that Seokmin is that furious. Mingyu looks back at Soonyoung and says:

“I think we should stop talking unless you want Seokmin to burn the hole through our heads with his stare and kill us afterwards”.

Soonyoung makes a move with his hand copying that of when you zip up your jacket and takes a sheet of paper and a pen. Mingyu has never thought before that someday he’ll again have little talks written on small pieces of paper as he used to have back at school. While Soonyoung is writing something Mingyu decides to find where Jihoon is now. He looks around the room and finds a petite ball of evil sitting at the right front talking to an unknown girl whose name Mingyu doubts he’d like to know. And Jihoon smiles, smiles with all kindness and amiability as if it’s not Jihoon at all – the boy who not long ago called himself miserable in his feelings towards Seungcheol.

Mingyu understands for the thousandth time that Jihoon must be the strongest person among all people that he has ever met.

While he himself is the one, who is more likely to cry in a corner every time his heart is covered with wounds.

He feels gray-haired guy poking his shoulder and stretching him a sheet of paper. Mingyu takes it and opens with a slight curiosity. There is only one sentence written that reads:

_Why do you want to keep it all a secret?_

Without thinking he takes a pen with his left hand and writes a short but meaningful answer.

_Because no one should care about old me._

_Why do you think so? Is former you that different from you present?_

_I’m not that different now but some things are more likely to be kept out of the public eye._

_No one is gonna blame you for your past here, trust me._

_It’s not the matter._

_Then why did you choose this college out of all others when it is so far away from your hometown?_

_And why did you?_

Soonyoung exhales a small laughter and writes a sentence, that is ridiculously childish yet is too dear not to exist.

_Because three of us decided to stay together as much time as our lives give us._

“Then why are you here, sitting with a random stranger when your friends may be somewhere in this room?” brown-haired boy gets tired of this written conversation and prefers to give words a sound.

“Because they are going to be late and this chair was the only empty one”, Soonyoung gives a heartwarming smile, which sounds that quietly that it can be swallowed by voices of other people surrounding them. Then Mingyu sees him checking his phone and his face lighting up. “By the way, they are already on their way here. I must introduce you to each other. They are from the same school”.

Mingyu wishes he has never heard the last sentence. He doesn’t want all his efforts to find a place where he knows nobody and nobody knows him to not be worth a hill of beans. Yet his fate is cruel enough to send him such a gift.

The door opens silently and those who are sitting at the back turn their heads to see unexpected guests. So do Mingyu and Soonyoung. They both stare at two boys that have just entered the room but their facial expressions differ drastically. Soonyoung’s smile becomes wider when he sees both of his friends approaching them on tiptoes in order not to attract any attention to themselves.

Mingyu’s heart drops on the ground and breaks into thousand pieces. His body is both filled with sweet happiness and uttermost shock. No need to say he has never dreamt of his wish to be fulfilled. Yet it is.

“Hey, Soonyoung”, the guys have already brought two more chairs from the very back of the room and are now sitting near Mingyu and Soonyoung.

The blond-haired guy gives Soonyoung as tight hug as their position allows him. Mingyu has to admit that he’s very handsome, his face features are of a right shape and his jawline is that sharp it can as well cut Mingyu’s fingers off. He could have become a model if he wanted to.

“Why are you so late, guys?” Mingyu can hear Soonyoung whining a bit in his question. This makes him breathe out a chuckle.

“Wonwoo’s teacher in Philosophy of Religion is so slow that I thought I might hit him”, blond-haired boy answers with a shit-eating grin. “But we are still not that late, it has only been an hour”.

“If it’s not the definition of “being that late”, can I punch you in your face?” answers the second boy whose voice is too deep and husky for Mingyu not to recognize him for the second time.

He can hear his heart beating louder, giving an unpleasant feeling. Mingyu has always been afraid of the sound of his own heart, it has always made him sick. He can’t stomach this growing beat of a drum kit playing lame punk-rock songs inside his ears, resonating in his whole head and making him want to throw up. He gulps and it makes such a loud sound for him he’s afraid everyone has heard it.

If you ask Mingyu what kind of feeling he has towards this guy right now, he will say that what he feels is definitely not love. That’s definitely not any kind of sweet feelings that usually appear between two people who are meant to be together till the time splits them up.

His gut tells him that something is to happen in the nearest future.

And that his attitude to this dark-haired guy is rather sick. It’s so sick that it makes Mingyu’s whole mind turn upside down in order to find any reason why Mingyu is such an emotional wreck when he sees this boy. When he first met him his whole world stopped for a minute, two, three. He had the same nerve wrecking feeling every time he thought of the dark-haired boy back at school and it hadn’t been till the second term of his last year that he finally was deprived of this feeling.

Yet, it is back, and it is destroying Mingyu thousand times stronger than before.

“Wonwoo, can you at least not hit me here?”

Soonyoung chuckles and then gives Mingyu a glance.

“Guys, I have to introduce you to each other”, he then points on the blond-haired guy. “It’s Junhui, he’s one of these friends that are more likely to laugh at your mistakes and not give a shit about their looks because they think they are too handsome for this world”.

“I think, this sentence describes me the most,” Junhui stretches his hand to Mingyu. “You’re Kim Mingyu, right?”

“Well, fuck. I was that popular?” Mingyu’s question makes Soonyoung laugh. Is there anything in this world that doesn’t sound funny to this kid?

“You became really popular when you made out with Brian’s sister. I think he told every person in school that he was going to kill you if you would hurt his sister somehow after then. Not to mention three of us shared a couple of classes with him”.

Mingyu sighs heavily because there is no way to get rid of his past. No more. Too many people know about it. His small oasis has been wiped away by a gust of wind.

“I hope you can keep it a secret,” Mingyu gives his the most charming smile so that Junhui can think twice before answering.

And Junhui nods. His blond hair falls on his eyebrows and he brushes his fringe back with only his hand. Mingyu swears to God, the girl that is sitting almost next to them has just felt her heart skip a beat since her cheeks are bright red now.

Now it is Wonwoo’s turn. Mingyu can hear his heartbeat getting louder and louder to that point that it drowns his own thoughts.

“And you are Wonwoo, right?”

The guy has been staring at Mingyu all this time. His eyelashes move slowly when he blinks as if they were a piece of art that can be easily broken when moving fast. His hair is dark brown and fringe covers black eyebrows. A pair of round glasses passes him perfectly as if they were made for him. Wonwoo may look like an ordinary nerd but for Mingyu he isn’t one.

For Mingyu he looks like a person who can see through his soul and make his every thought audible.

“Yes, nice to meet you, Mingyu”, his face is still emotionless and it somehow offends Mingyu.

“Nice to meet you too, Wonwoo-“

“Hyung”, Wonwoo interrupts Mingyu and gives him a smirk. The whole Wonwoo’s presence radiates coldness and haughtiness and Mingyu feels so small. As if the guy was the king here while he is meant to be a servant and polish his shoes and the apple with him.

“Nice to meet you, hyung”.

Wonwoo nods and then he doesn’t speak with Mingyu for the rest of the presentation. The latter catches himself almost constantly staring at Wonwoo, trying to memorize every part of his face and praying for him to start the conversation. Mingyu is too shy to start it himself and every time he laughs at Soonyoung’s and Junhui’s jokes he feels his reaction becoming more and more simulated. Something that has been growing in each part of his body, whether it was hope or desperate feeling to have his dream come true as soon as possible, came together and collapsed at once. He feels shadows settle under his eyes and all around inside his head. But for Mingyu’s exaggeration he may feel better now.

And here he is the one who took everything as something important while his own appearance in Wonwoo’s life wasn’t considered as one by the latter. The only thing he can do now is to face the fact.

To face the fact that the stranger, of whom he has been dreaming constantly this one and a half years, has no intention of kissing him in the night. Even though many people back at school had.

Still he has at least two more hours before Wonwoo leaves his life again and probably will never come back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my story. It means a lot.  
> It's my first story in English and I hope you like it. 
> 
> If you have some question about the story or anything else feel free to contact me here or on twitter @348ropes
> 
> See you in the next chapter!  
> Lots of love <3


	2. i could be one of those things that you hate at first

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mingyu's gayness towards Wonwoo is oozing yet he's trying to hide it. And fails, of course.

The presentation of Spanish Club has successfully ended and everyone is to leave their sits. Even though Seokmin mentioned earlier that they were going to spend some time in the café when everything ended many people just say their good-byes and leave to have some rest after such a long day in college. Mingyu can see that most of them have actually enjoyed the whole presentation while he personally can’t recall anything that was said or done outside his conversation with Soonyoung and Junhui.

He wished he could add Wonwoo to this list but the latter had no desire to talk to him. For Mingyu it looks like his existence is utterly ignored and he has no chance to make any step towards this impregnable castle called Wonwoo.

Yet he is going to try.

Mingyu leaves the room almost being the last person only followed by Seokmin. He slides the key into the keyhole whistling something that sounds like a pop song Mingyu heard yesterday on the radio. These radio songs are so catchy that you can easily memorize even their lyrics after only one listening. Mingyu remembers that last week he used to sing a song, which he was “lucky” enough to hear during one of these good-morning broadcasts, every day. The song was stupid in it whole existence but the music was very attractive to the ears of an average listener. Even though Mingyu has never been one he too fell under it’s ordinary sounding.

“How are you, Mingyu?” Seokmin joins the tall brown-haired boy and twines his left arm around Mingyu’s shoulders. This time only small smile appears on his face.

“I’m okay. Why?”

“You look like something really is bothering you,” with these words Seokmin frees Mingyu from his half-embrace and hits his arm lightly with a fist. “By the way, what was your school’s name again?”

“It’s S. High School”.

Seokmin laughs unexpectedly and looks at Mingyu with eyes full of beaming twinkles dancing in them. If there was no light in this hall Seokmin would be the one. Maybe that is Seokmin’s destination – to illuminate one’s life when there is no light left, no hope of it coming back. Something that Mingyu has been always seeking for and is still seeking.

No way a person who is in love with somebody else, and is only one month your friend, is going to dedicate all their time to you. Unless this person is as desperate as Mingyu is now.

“Sorry, man,” Mingyu stares at Seokmin with a questioning expression on his face. “I thought you attended T. High School and those guys I showed you before performance are from T. High School”.

Mingyu relaxes his muscles and becomes a bit happier since there is still a chance that Soonyoung, Junhui and Wonwoo are the only people from his school.

“Oh, it’s great,” his gladness is oozing and Seokmin is delighted with such a reaction of Mingyu’s.

He then pats the boy’s head.

“I think of joining Daisy so I’ll leave you alone for some time. Take care!”

Mingyu lifts his hand and waves to Seokmin then to see him speeding up his pace and actually running to the blonde. In his sweet crush Seokmin looks like the happiest person, and it gives Mingyu hope that someday he himself is going to be that in love, that it won’t crush everything inside his ribs, like in a bookcase, losing it’s shelves, no more able to carry all the books’ and dust’s weight.

He decides to send a message to Jihoon since the older left earlier than Mingyu not even bothering to wait for him. Jihoon usually would do this when he’s in such a bad mood that he don’t want anybody to discover it. And since Mingyu is the closest, yet the most infuriating, person to Jihoon, he avoids him in minutes of vulnerability.

_Hyung, are you okay?_

Mingyu impatiently waits for an answer following his newly-made friends on their way to the café. It is already dark outside, the sky is clear letting Mingyu observe every star here and there. They are gleaming, forming pictures that have their particular meanings made by people and Mingyu wishes he knew them. Starry sky always looks attractive and excites the desire to disappear in it, to lose every detail of your system. Let your whole body vanish in a dark deep ocean of night.

He hears the sound of notification.

_I think I am._

_But I doubt I will fall asleep tonight if you don’t talk to me._

Mingyu hesitates with a reply but then types a short “then let’s talk about everything tonight” and puts his phone back in the pocket of his jacket.

Jihoon needs him.

Right now it is the only thing that matters.

By the time they reach the café it’s already a bit cold outside. Summer is ready to deprive this world of any signs of warmth and replace balmy evenings with chill and dark nights. Even though it’s October summer wanted to remain for a little longer until yesterday. Everyone wears their jackets and hoodies to keep warmth near to their bodies but there are always daredevils who prefer wearing only T-shirts during cold autumn nights. And among all people around Mingyu now Junhui is the only one who still feels warm without any jacket on.

They chose a large table in the left corner so that everybody will have a place to sit. Mingyu sits right in the corner and immediately leans against the wall, closing his eyes. It’s not enough saying that he’s tired. Mingyu feels as if his every bone is under the pressure of a couple of kilograms of bricks and the whole body feels thrice heavier. He is psychologically exhausted from everything that happened earlier and is going to happen now. Way too many people surround Mingyu for him to be in a good mood.

He remembers being pleased by crowds of teens around him giving him full attention and desiring for his words to be directed to them. The high school was a cesspit of assholes yet Mingyu acted as if he was the king of it. He still wonders what kind of luck or fate made him such a popularity among all these kids but he wishes he would never be as popular as then again. The life of a loser, starting from the first term in elementary school and finishing by the last one of middle school, taught him that being a famous kid is no better than being a bully. The second dunks your head into the toilet from time to time and then leaves you alone while the first spoils your life with his existence. Still Mingyu wanted to be a popular-ass kid to compensate for his lonely years when being a child.

Now he’s too tired of any crowd or even any group that consists of more than 4 people to continue living as a party person.

That’s why he’d rather run from his past and keep it a secret as much as possible.

Mingyu opens his eyes to see Wonwoo sitting right in front of him. His skin is pale blue under the artificial lightning and glasses are covered with patches of light. This black long sleeve passes him that well, opening his collarbones and long neck, hanging down from his wide shoulders, and it is too large for him to fit his skinny body tightly. Wonwoo is tapping his long thin fingers against the table’s surface, making a melody that is hardly heard to anyone except Mingyu, who is assertive with his stare at Wonwoo.

“Wonwoo, what do you want to drink?” Soonyoung bends down to the dark-haired guy. His hair is the same color as Wonwoo’s skin and they both look like one whole patch in this palette of colors. Mingyu can see Wonwoo answering something inaudibly for him and then Soonyoung turns to the younger. “And what about you, Mingyu?”

Mingyu doesn’t usually drink coffee but today he is in a mood to drink not less than a bucket of it.

“Caramel latte”.

“Okay, caramel lattes for you both,” and then he goes to the counter leaving them alone in the most strained silence possible.

Mingyu can hear his heart pounding his chest from the inside and making heavy sounds, reflecting from his ribs and again giving him nauseous feeling. His right leg starts jumping up unconsciously, giving away nervous rollercoaster running laps in his head and through all his body.

Mingyu wishes Wonwoo can hear nothing of it.

“You’ve been staring at me for almost two hours now”.

The younger lifts his sight up from Wonwoo’s tiny hands and looks at his face. It’s emotionless as it has always been since the moment Mingyu saw him. Seeing Wonwoo like this, not having to hide his glaring from his eyes is strange and uncomfortable experience. For Mingyu it feels like he’s pierced and all his existence is scolded for his action. For his only intention of trying to memorize every face feature of Wonwoo’s.

“I haven’t been,” Mingyu says quietly not sure whether he hasn’t been looking him up and down all this time. Obviously, he has been.

“As you wish,” Wonwoo smirks and leans back on his chair. The lightning in the café is too blue and actually too colorful and unnatural for Mingyu’s suddenly bright red ears to be noticed. If only he could see any change in dark-haired guy’s expression because there is none, and it distresses Mingyu the most painful way possible now.

He can feel his thoughts being blurred by a pressing wish to know everything, even something he isn’t allowed to be informed about. And before he is aware of it these words tumble out.

“Why were you there, at that party one and a half years ago?” Mingyu looks at Wonwoo and sees the latter lifting his eyebrow and ostensibly not understanding any word of Mingyu’s. “You looked as if you had no desire to stay there still you covered it with the thick mask of coldness”.

And Mingyu is suddenly aware of everything he has just done, and that those words that flied out from his mouth are not supposed to be delivered to a stranger. They look like some kind of confession right now and shouldn’t be treated as one, no way. Yet, what is said can’t be taken back.

“That party where you made out with Brian’s sister?”

“Fuck, I wish one day everyone would just forget about it,” Mingyu sighs heavily and brushes his right hand against his cheek. Today is the day when everybody feels like reminding him of every shitty mistake he did earlier while being a highschooler to tell him for the thousandth time already that he’s an actual shame of human being and that there’s no way not to be scolded at least once an hour.

And then Mingyu waits for an answer from Wonwoo but there is none given.

The latter stays silent, looking coldly at Mingyu. His hands are pressed together and fingers sometimes imitate the movement of a sea wave, jumping one by another in a constant dance and resuming their previous position. His look is piercing, penetrating, as if he knows everything that goes on inside of Mingyu, when Mingyu doesn’t.

But for Soonyoung’s sudden scream this stare may last a little bit longer, pardon his intrusion.

At once Mingyu turns his head at scream’s sound to see the gray haired guy standing with his hands stretched and holding two cups of coffee. Something is dripping from the cups’ forming a small pond near the Soonyoung’s brand-new sneakers that cost him so dear. His t-shirt is decorated with not appetizing spot symbolizing that he has already taken a douche of caramel latte with cream.

“You’d better help me!” and Wonwoo immediately rises up to come over to Soonyoung and take the cups from his hands. It’s hard to say whether there is any coffee left since cream is already spread all around the walls.

“Soonyoung, go to bathroom and just wash yourself,” Wonwoo says sarcastically returning to the table and resuming his seat in front of Mingyu. He moves one cup to the latter and continues, “I wish we could have caramel latte, not this abominable liquid that looks like dirty water in the morning autumn puddles”.

Mingyu exhales small laughter and takes one cup that Wonwoo so kindly offers. Their fingers touch a little and, to Mingyu’s mild surprise, Wonwoo’s hand is way more colder than his own. Feels like a desirable coldness of coca-cola’s glass in the middle of summer, when your hands are burnt with the sun’s rays and the whole body reminds of Niagara.

Wonwoo is sipping coffee without lifting his head from the cup. He looks like he is not inclined to have further conversation, too sunk in his own thoughts to answer any dumb questions Mingyu is probably going to ask.

And somehow for Mingyu it is the most appealing.

“You haven’t answered to my question yet”.

The thing is that Mingyu is stupid 50% of time. Not being the definition of a dumb person who doesn’t get anything that happens around them. Not a person who fails all their exams after learning everything for hundreds of times but memorizing nothing. Not a guy whose ego is so large it doesn’t fit in any room in his house and makes all his brain processes be in vain. He doesn’t lack deliberateness, erudition and judiciousness.

It’s just sometimes he says things that are better to be kept inside of his mouth and stays silent when something should be definitely said. And before he opened his mouth a moment ago he should have thought a little bit.

Mingyu’s popularity in highschool required the skill in daily-basis diplomacy. He should have known what everyone wanted to hear and what topics should have been avoided because they could have led to a vehement backlash and, Lord forbid, to the tone of gossip spreading all around the neighborhood since a small district can as well be called a village. And it’s a well-known fact that in a village everyone knows every detail of your life from the very moment you said your first word. Yet now his brain decided to repudiate any skill in diplomacy.

“Do I have to?” that’s the only answer Mingyu hears.

“It’ll be really nice of you”.

“It’ll be really nice of you not to ask such questions since we’re still complete strangers”.

Wonwoo’s sharp sight is directed at Mingyu’s face that is, much to Mingyu’s own surprise, emotionless.

During childhood when something went not in the desired way tears were ultima ratio. Any dramatic emotions from a child made parents sound the alarm about their well-being, and this is what Mingyu’s childhood actually looked like. An endless routine of pleasing. Every time he was about to cry himself out, there was mother to calm him down with a bear hug or father, who would read him fairytales and give him candies, hiding from his wife’s furious exclamations, that “our son is going to have caries” and “you pamper him too much”. Even though it lasted only three years, it put a great imprint on Mingyu’s behavior in the following decade. Not able to conceal his true emotions fully due to the mere fact, that he needed someone beside him to stretch a hand but there was no one around. The vicious circle of unexpressed irascibility, entanglement in own thoughts and actions, and solitude led to the almost religious absence of faith in everyone and everything. That was the most rational prerequisite for his ability to keep everything to himself.

If life doesn’t provide you with something from the start it shall make you acquire it by yourself. And is Mingyu not the right example of it.

“The first time I saw you, you didn’t look like a complete jerk”.

Wonwoo exhales long and sounding laughter that can bewilder everyone else but Mingyu. He doesn’t change his facial expression remaining cold and apathetic from the inside.

“But you did look like a jerk every time I saw you at school,” the older guy sips coffee not making the smile leave his lips.

Wonwoo’s strong point has always been the bombardment of interlocutor, using their own words.

Mingyu’s strong point is stubbornness.

“But you have to admit I was a handsome jerk that you actually managed to catch a glimpse of me now and then. And I still am,” Mingyu’s shit-eating grin is plastered on his face, eyes twinkling from the abrupt expression of audacity that has been hidden deep inside for a large amount of time. “Because I never saw you once after then”.

“It was hard for you to see me when your eyes were closed by a fuck ton of girls’ bodies and your so-called friends. _Because I saw you at least twice a week in cafeteria or walking in a park_ ”.

Mingyu holds tighter to his own hands trying not to reveal that he’s shocked. All this time he has been confident that there was no chance of seeing Wonwoo even once while the latter now and then appeared right under his nose. What an irony! Maybe he really was too concerned about-

“Hey, guys. It looks like you’re fighting,” Junhui breaks the silence and Mingyu’s attempt to think first, changing look from Wonwoo to Mingyu and back.

“Nah, we’re not,” Wonwoo looks at Junhui with the most reassuring smile ever and, of course, the latter falls for it.

“It’s great because I don’t need two downers here arguing about whatever shit you can even come to and then drag everyone’s mood down. Because Wonwoo is an expert in such things and your skills, Mingyu, are yet to be discovered”.

“You’re so rich in paying compliments when it goes about me, Junhui,” Wonwoo’s sarcastic tone is oozing.

“Because I prefer saying the truth,” Junhui ruffles Wonwoo’s hair and rises up from his place. “Guys, it’s pretty late. I think we should go back to dorms”.

“And my homework in German is not the best partner to spend the night with,” Mingyu adds not in the most delighted tone already afraid of a bunch of sheets with exercises, lying all around his table and bed, because he was too furious yesterday to put everything in order.

The first time in awhile he observes everyone around him because until this moment the only face he has seen was Wonwoo’s. Junhui is back to a girl he, presumably, chatted with before, Seokmin is all smiles and adorableness when throwing jokes at Daisy and making her burst out laughing, Soonyoung is sitting and calmly talking to… Jihoon.

This small ball of evil is talking to the chatterbox. A splendid combination when Jihoon is the person who always expresses his hatred for people who cannot keep their mouths shut. According to Mingyu’s conversation with Soonyoung the latter is the person to forget to shut his mouth from time to time. Yet right now Mingyu sees no tension between them. It’s either because Jihoon is too tired to complain or Soonyoung is actually able to listen to what others say.

But there is the thing.

If this is the last time Mingyu sees Wonwoo he should tell him something. Something really absurd and shameful, something he will regret saying later in the morning, something that will sound so cocky and abominably he may blow up himself on the spot. Yet it is funny.

He catches Wonwoo’s dark figure already in five meters ahead and quickens his pace to grab him by his hand and see the older’s bewildered face.

“Hyung, I have something to tell you,” now that they’re both standing Mingyu feels this height difference between them. Wonwoo has to raise his head up a bit in order to look right into Mingyu’s eyes which he hesitates to do for the first two seconds.

“Yeah, go ahead,” the voice is cold as always.

Mingyu takes a deep breath and mentally prepares himself for the forthcoming quartering that waits for him tonight.

“I bet you’re gonna fall in love with every thing you hate in me right now”.

It’s hard to describe what is happening on Wonwoo’s face right now – shock, embarrassment, disgust, incomprehension. Yet pompous coldness wins.

“Is that some gay shit I don’t wanna involve myself in?”

“It all depends,” the last words Mingyu says before flying out of this goddamn café because there is high possibility he is going to die of shame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, guys!  
> Thank you for waiting soooo much!!  
> It was a hella hard month for me. I had too many problems and, unfortunately, I still have them.  
> And the deadline for my research work is approaching......
> 
> I hope you like this chapter.  
> Once I woke up in the morning and discovered that the file with this story had disappeared from my computer :)))) So I had to rewrite almost everything in the 2nd chapter, I hate this life sfm ;)
> 
> Anyway, feel free to comment on everything you like and don't like.  
> and contact me on twitter @348ropes ;)
> 
> See you in the next chapter. Love ya!


	3. the wrong things become everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mingyu says the least stupid thing among all he has already said to Wonwoo, yet this is the most intimate one.

The moment Mingyu closes the door behind his back and finally finds himself in his room, his face is red tomato and thoughts are too tangled too be, hm, thought. Right now he wishes to be shot and then buried deep in the ground, and to take off this jacket because the speed, in which he’s been running all this way down here, made him sweat. There are no words enough to describe how ashamed he is now of everything he told Wonwoo ten minutes ago, before he flew out of that goddamn Gehenna.

_I hope no one except Wonwoo heard my words._

In sweat and the most dramatized agony possible Mingyu takes off his jacket and tosses it into the wardrobe, not caring much about where it finally finds itself lying. His whole wardrobe is a mess because since the moment Mingyu came here, and it was a month ago, he has no desire to keep it clean. Every time he thinks of, at least, putting his clothes in order, since they look like a fucking hurricane paid them a visit, he always finds something else to do that distracts him for days. No need to say that Jihoon tried to make Mingyu do something with his laziness but everything was in vain.

Mingyu takes his change with him and leaves the room to go to the bathroom. Being sticky after such a long run is not a nice thing to feel. He passes by closed doors of his neighbors, hearing some pieces of their talks and quiet music, obviously broadcasted on the local radio station. Someday people around him will stop listening to that kind of music.

The water helps to restore, to gain all the coldness back to Mingyu’s body because he can feel the tip of his every finger burning.

If there was any feeling that he was afraid of more than of nausea, it would be shame.

_I shouldn’t have done it._

_It wasn’t that necessary, Mingyu. It was unnecessary._

_What a great impression you made, I must say._

And as if he said it all out loud, he sighed anxiously, drying his newly washed hair. The moment he got to the dorm he checked the time and it said 10 p.m. Right now he is completely alone in the bathroom which is an unusual thing. Everyday Mingyu leaves the bathroom near 10 p.m. he can see at least three people brushing their teeth or sometimes playing in water-splash wars.

Yes, college is not only about midterms, it’s about the interlacing of childhood and adulthood.

Anyway, Mingyu likes being here alone.

And not until he heard bunch of familiar voices from the hall did he stop liking it.

They are extra loud and Mingyu bets he can hear Soonyoung crying violently how he hates caramel latte by now because his favorite T-shirt is a complete mess. _Don’t tell me they have been living here all this time and I was the one to live under a rock_ , a thought runs laps through Mingyu’s mind before he understands, that he’s been standing in front of the mirror with his toothbrush inside of his mouth for more than a minute now, and everything is stinging because of the toothpaste.

“Ouch!” he exclaims and takes a bucket of water in his mouth to spit it all out. Mingyu then splashes his face with cold water one more time, checks eye bags to admit that they became darker, and dries his face with a towel.

On turning to the exit he regrets his existence.

“Look, who’s here,” this deep voice gives Mingyu goosebumps. _God damn it, Mingyu. Can you be less gay?_ “It’s our small projection of Usain Bolt”.

Wonwoo is leaning against the wall near the door, his arms are crossed on his chest and large grin is plastered on his face. The thing is this situation is unbelievable for Mingyu since the dark-haired guy was emotionless. Emotionless to that level Mingyu was afraid he would be completely ignored in the future even after his pompous statement. Yet now Wonwoo is grinning. What a strange world to live in.

Mingyu pulls a slight smile to, at least, react on Wonwoo’s lame joke and then wipes it out of his mouth. Now he is not interested in any conversation with Wonwoo because first, everything only goes wrong when Mingyu opens his mouth to say a word and his situation right now is not worth accelerating; second, he can feel his nape reddening and his cheeks are also going to be red in no time at all; third, Mingyu wishes he knew the cause of such a reaction on Wonwoo’s presence and even existence.

That’s why he just throws the towel on his left shoulder and exits the room without looking at Wonwoo.

The latter suddenly loses his smile, eyebrows clashing on the bridge of his nose. He slowly leaves his support, the wall, and follows the younger, hands now in his pockets. Even if Wonwoo is already used to being treated like this, every single time his madness is developing.

“Have you swallowed your own tongue?” Wonwoo says in a loud voice when he’s already near Mingyu, which makes the latter jump of surprise. He can feel his heart rate speeding up and ear tips burning.

Mingyu clears his throat.

“Nah,” he’s glad to hear such a steady voice leaving his mouth because inside of him something unstable is happening, “just thought there was no need in answering”.

“Oh, yeah? So how are you going to make me fall in love with you when you’re not even talking to me?”

_What a great question, Wonwoo. I can’t understand why I told you that and you’re asking me how I am going to do it?_

Mingyu turns his head to look into Wonwoo’s eyes and sees a dark depth in them. Usually eyes of someone who is attractive to you, Mingyu isn’t sure about it yet, are described as angelic, captivating, magical, charming, or adorable ones. It is something Mingyu always finds in the books when characters describe their beloved ones. Eyes often become the main cause of love blossoming in one’s heart, they can express every word running through a person’s brain if the latter doesn’t mind. They are the mirror of the soul.

If this depth in Wonwoo’s eyes is something that situates in his soul, it’s both tragic and terrifying.

When one and a half years ago Mingyu saw him during that whoopee, he couldn’t even have imagined that this desperate look in this boy’s eyes would change to the complete darkness. And Mingyu is pretty sure that there is no evil in them, that could be hidden deep-deep inside, there is emptiness.

_Something must have caused it._

“I doubt I was sane when I said this,” words fly out of Mingyu’s mouth and form silence afterwards.

He was waiting for any kind of reaction: for a fist flying into his jaw, for a furious look on Wonwoo’s face, for a couple of not pleasant words of how he’s fucked and he should go and visit a psychiatrist. But not this.

The older puts a hand on Mingyu’s left shoulder and smiles a bit that it’s almost not visible.

“That’s good,” and leaves before Mingyu can understand anything.

 

 

 

 

 

“What’s on your mind, poor creature?”

That’s the first thing Mingyu hears when he comes back to his room. Actually, this is his and Jihoon’s room, but while Jihoon’s living in this room is not noticeable, since all his things are neatly hidden inside of his wardrobe and drawers of their desk, and you can hardly see him leaving the room without putting everything in order, Mingyu’s mess is everywhere. If you draw a line just in the center of their room to split it into two parts, you will see how the room should look like before and after cleaning.

“Nothing much,” Mingyu answers and hangs his towel on the chair for it to become dry by time.

“As always,” little devil in action.

But it makes Mingyu glad because it means that Jihoon is in a good mood again, perhaps.

“Did something good happen that you’re back to normal bitchy Jihoon now?” Mingyu asks with a large grin and receives a pillow right into his face. Small laughter leaves his lips.

“You have never seen me bitchy. Yet,” Jihoon’s index finger is pointed straight to Mingyu’s face, and it should look scary and shit but it only makes him laugh more. Another thing flies into his head and now it is a stuffy animal, that one day Jihoon brought with him here.

“I’m just glad that you at least look okay”.

Jihoon stops this assault of Mingyu and sits back on his bed. His face is gloomy again, eyebrows forming wave and mouth is slightly open, as if he was about to say something and he is about to do so.

“I guess I am okay but, you know, something just feels strange”.

Mingyu comes closer to Jihoon and sits right near him on the bed, leaning against the wall, which feels pleasantly cold for his body now.

“What does?”

“I don’t know,” Jihoon sits himself just in the same position as Mingyu does and continues. “You probably saw me talking to this kid with grayish hair”.

And Mingyu nods so that Jihoon can continue.

“Well, he came to me when I was standing near the counter and waiting for my drink to be prepared. The first thing that I saw in him was his granny-style gray hair, it actually looked this bright under the café lightning, only later I realized that it is dark gray. He couldn’t stay still, shifting from one foot to the other and whistling one song I’m pretty sure I was listening to this morning”.

Mingyu changes his position so that his legs won’t hurt afterwards.

“Then he took his drinks, as I later figured out were yours and that black-haired guy’s you talked to, and went to you to bump on his way in a stranger. I didn’t care much about what was happening there so I just took my drink, put it on the table and went to the bathroom to splash some water on my face”.

“Wow, you’re good at empathizing with people, Jihoon,” Mingyu whistles and wears a wide smile on his lips.

“Just shut up and let me continue”.

“Okay”.

Jihoon clears his throat and resumes his story.

“When I came there and washed my face he also came in, whining about how he liked this t-shirt and, thanks God, his sneakers were safe and hadn’t suffered from the latte attack. He was complaining so much that I said something like “I wish I had problems with my t-shirt not my personal life”. Oh my God, I still regret saying this,” small chuckle leaves his mouth. “I hoped he hadn’t heard me but then he became all-ears and was persistently asking what problems I had and if he could help me somehow. You know, I was so glad to see the stranger who is _interested_ in my problems”.

Mingyu turns his head to Jihoon to see him beaming a bit. He wishes he knew what it feels like. During elementary school and middle school no one wanted to know Mingyu. During high school his friends were too busy partying to actually care even about themselves, and so was Mingyu. And now, in college, he sees that almost nobody is interested in his thoughts and problems, and those, who do care, are too overwhelmed with hard college life for Mingyu to bother them.

“Then I learned that his name was Soonyoung and he was already a sophomore. I was too afraid to tell him about Seungcheol but I overcame this fear and everything just tumbled out of my mouth. The next thing shocked me. He didn’t freak out. He even said he can relate, how abnormal is that?”

No need to say it shocked Mingyu that Soonyoung plays for the other team. Or maybe for the both, it’s not discovered yet.

“And then we talked about so many things because it was so comfortable to talk to him”.

“I can relate”, Mingyu catches up his friend’s story. “We chatted during the whole presentation and we didn’t have any minute of silence then”.

“That’s great,” Jihoon exhales petite laughter and doesn’t let the smile vanish from his lips. For Mingyu it is the best thing today.

He stands up from Jihoon’s bed, because now he understands, that this wound, which was caused by Seungcheol today, is healed by now. Jihoon just needed someone to talk to and Soonyoung appeared in front of him as if it had been destined.

Right now everything around Mingyu looks like some kind of a destiny game.

He takes German printouts from his bed and sits on the chair, looking forward to spending this whole night with his Frau. Heavy sigh leaves his mouth and attracts Jihoon’s attention, who immediately understands why Mingyu is so gloomy now and can’t help but laugh because of this drama. Jihoon is lucky enough not to have morning classes tomorrow, when Mingyu is to suffer from the very 8 o’clock till 2 p.m. with 2 German classes in a row and a lecture in Philosophy of Politics.

Thanks God, Seokmin is going to buy them coffee before classes start.

Then they hear a knock on the door.

“Are you waiting for someone? Because I’m not,” Mingyu faces Jihoon with a questioning look on his face.

“Me too,” Jihoon answers in the same manner.

Mingyu decides that the best way to find out who is disturbing them at such a late hour is to open the door, and yes, it seems pretty logical. He rises up and walks lazily to the door, hearing nothing from the other side, and opens it a little.

“Guys, do you have… Oh, wow, hello, Mingyu. Nice to see you again!”

“You must be kidding me”.

It is none other than the hella handsome guy with the sexy deep-ass voice named Wonwoo.

“What?”

“How come I’ve never met you here before?” Mingyu asks somewhat curiously because he already knows all faces of his neighbors, and he swears to God, that today was the first time he found out that Wonwoo is actually studying here. Seeing him here is shocking.

“Because I’ve just moved here?” the older answers, pointing on the door that is right in front of Jihoon’s and Mingyu’s room.

_You must be fucking kidding me._

“Soonyoung and I have been waiting for this moment more than a month now, because our dorm looks like a crap in comparison with yours,” Wonwoo smiles but Mingyu can see the same dark depth inside of his eyes. Maybe he’s just pretending being okay?

_Mingyu, it’s obvious that he’s not okay._

“Wonwoo”.

The older is startled by Mingyu saying his name that he doesn’t even notice the absence of ‘hyung’ after it.

“Yes?”

Mingyu wants to say something but he can’t make it into words. There is something so common inside of both of them. Mingyu knows it for sure. But he’s too afraid to ask, to try to prove himself that he’s right.

Because Wonwoo is still a stranger. And only God knows whether they will be anything more in the future.

He runs through million phrases that he heard in the past and they got into his head without any intention of leaving it in the future. He repeats them again and again, tasting every word and understands that nothing sounds right. Nothing sounds the way he wants it to do. He knows a fuck ton of words and phrases that he read in books yet he cannot use them now, when he is so in need.

But suddenly there is the song.

And Mingyu is absolutely sure it can help to express his thoughts if Wonwoo let them be expressed.

“There is one song I want you to listen to,” the younger says in a trembling voice even though this is the least stupid thing among all he has already said to Wonwoo. It’s just it is the most intimate one. “It’s ‘Help’ by The Front Bottoms”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, it's 3:34 a.m. and I've finished this chapter.  
> Right now I have to prepare for my seminar in Social Science.
> 
> This week is going to be difficult and so is the next, I guess. I'll try to post something in these two weeks, but I'm not gonna promise it. I have never thought my life will be shitty to that level as it is now.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like this chapter.  
> If you see any typos, don't worry, I'll correct everything a bit later.
> 
> Love you as always!  
> See you in the next chapter, cuties <3


	4. forget we share kin, we're torn apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where guys want to get drunk.

There is always that one kid in a group that doesn’t talk much. They look like all their surroundings are vanished from their perception, that’s why staring out the window looks way more appealing to them. It’s a usual thing for them to prefer a deep sleep over a good talk, fragrant tea over cheap beer, a cozy bed over a stuffy classroom or a café, and finally, pleasing loneliness and self-devotion to it over friends’ meetings and the whole society in its fullness. From what it looks like anyone can assume, that a spacing out kid in their classroom might be some kind of a nerd, whose aim is to give up on socialization for the sake of computer games or scientific crap. Or that this person is too strange to talk to. Only a strange person won’t talk much to others, right?

This is the very wrong opinion almost everyone has about Jeon Wonwoo and has always had.

 

Wonwoo wakes up early in the morning. Sun is barely seen above the horizon, painting the whole sky in a bright mixture of light coral, orchid and steel blue. As magical as that. The slight wind is visible outside, rolling through golden branches, which are ready to get rid of their burden, and turn everything around into a naked show of themselves. Every time Wonwoo opens his eyes when the day starts, the first thing he does is he looks outside to see, what hints nature gives him. It nonchalantly changes, day by day, night by night, and people don’t have a dog’s chance to turn everything back and stop this precipitating process of growing up and, finally, aging. Growing to that point, when they themselves don’t remember what actually happened at the beginning of their lives.

And now Wonwoo realizes that he has woken up too early for this world to embrace him.

He wants to check the time on his phone, reaching for it and then he finds one on the desk right next to his bed, and accidentally touches a pen, letting it roll and drop to the floor with a slight snap.

“Shit,” he whispers as quiet as he can and looks at Soonyoung’s bed to make sure he is still sleeping even after such a loud sound, especially when every sound in the morning is loud.

To his surprise, the bed is already empty.

Wonwoo presses the button and sees four digits stating that it’s still near seven o’clock and he has, at least, three hours to sleep. Soonyoung’s towel is nowhere to be seen and so are his sleepers, indicating that he is taking a shower, since he has a class at eight today. Wonwoo himself has only two classes at twelve, so the moment he wakes up Soonyoung will be back dozing to compensate for the early awakening.

Wonwoo checks every social network for incoming messages and, of course, finds none, since almost everyone is asleep at this hour, and those who are not loved by God to be out of bed at such an ungodly hour are most likely busy brushing their teeth and getting ready for a day. Still he scrolls through the list of dialogs he already had with anyone and finds out, that no one wrote him. Wonwoo sighs, dropping his skinny arms by the sides of his body and focuses his stare on a ceiling.

_It was a pretty good night for a new place._

Wonwoo has always had problems with sleeping at new places. Every time he went to his friends’ houses for oversleeps he would find himself in insomnia, trying to count a number of cracks on the ceiling, inaudibly humming songs in his head, listening to the snoring friends, and wishing desperately for the night to end. The second night wasn’t great either. Only after a bunch of visits, he was able to dive deep into a sleep, so that his eye bags wouldn’t be that dark in the morning.

Last evening, when Wonwoo came back to his room after a short conversation with Mingyu, he was puzzled. Everything just seemed so strange. Here was _a_ Kim Mingyu he didn’t know: a boy, who was shy to talk to him, a boy, who kept silence most of the time, a boy, who tried to isolate himself from everyone and just hid in the corners, not waiting for anyone to notice him. At school there was _the_ Kim Mingyu: an attention slut, the most party person Wonwoo had ever seen, a fuckboy, a walking self-confidence.

Or it was the way it looked like.

Just one time, one and a half years ago, Wonwoo spotted this strange look in Mingyu’s eyes at the party, he would have never ever visited, if it hadn’t been for Junhui. The latter thought that Wonwoo spent too much time just with the two of them, including Soonyoung, and decided to grab him to the heterosexual party, where everything smelled like sex and cheap cognac, where every girl tried to be a femme fatale in super short skirts and cropped tops – in most cases ignoring the absence of intelligence and beauty in themselves – and where he was disturbed by tipsy teenagers, throwing jokes about him sitting all by himself and calling him ‘loser’.

He observed as Junhui at the end of the evening was hugging a girl too intimate not to predict, what was going to be afterwards, when they locked themselves in a room. Soonyoung came in the middle of the night to check on Wonwoo – remembering that he still had a forlorn friend there – too drunk to make any of his thoughts into words, and in a minute he just fell asleep on Wonwoo’s lap.

In the morning Mingyu happened. He kept on staring at Wonwoo, making the latter feel both uncomfortable and interested. That moment Mingyu looked like an abandoned puppy, waiting for anybody to call for him. And Wonwoo fell deep in this atmosphere, that surrounded them that very time they couldn’t break this starring contest.

Until one of Mingyu’s ‘friends’ said something to him and the spell was ruined.

After that the younger wasn’t able to find Wonwoo, because the older had a lot of experience in hiding himself from the world.

The older tried to figure out what was happening to Mingyu, but even daily-basis observation was of no use.

“Already awake?” the question startles Wonwoo and he rises to look at Soonyoung, who stands by the door, smelling all fresh ocean and menthol after the morning’s shower and having a towel on his head, covering wet hair.

Wonwoo scratches his head and nods, not able to speak right after he has woken up.

“You have three more hours, just go back to sleep,” Soonyoung throws his towel on his bed and approaches the wardrobe to find any clothes for today, and pulls out a random crewneck and a pair of dark blue tight jeans.

“You know, I’ve decided to skip classes today,” Wonwoo says in a raspy voice, laying himself back on the pillow and pulling the blanket closer to his chin.

“Why?” the gray-haired guy asks while trying to get into his super tight pair of jeans, which is obviously small for him, but still Soonyoung cannot put it into a garbage bin.

“I don’t feel like studying, I’m so fucking tired to live,” Wonwoo answers with a loud sigh which turns into a yawn. He doesn’t even try to cover his mouth, because his arms lack any power now.

Soonyoung just chuckles and continues to struggle to put on his clothes. It’s not like Wonwoo needed any answer.

The silence in the room is pleasing, comforting. Mornings usually don’t predispose people to talk, especially Wonwoo, since he doesn’t like talking much. Only if there is any necessity. And the feature, that Wonwoo has always liked the most in Soonyoung, is his understanding. Despite being a chatterbox, morning has always been their safety valve to reduce tension, which never leaves their minds. Maybe that’s why the gray-haired chatterer became his friend in the first place. Even though their friendship started not in the best way possible, and Wonwoo wishes that it’s prerequisite had never happened, still sometimes, when he remembers what actually happened then, a smile appears on his lips instead of usual will to cry.

When turning into adult you understand the value of all the adversities you lived through in the past. That’s actually what Wonwoo feels these days.

He rises from his bed again to search for the earphones, since he suddenly remembers about the song, Mingyu recommended him to listen to yesterday. This freshman, even though not a day has passed since their first meeting, already gives Wonwoo a headache because there is so much unusual in this guy. As if he had been replaced with someone, who looks completely the same but behaves extremely awry.

The moment Wonwoo turns on the music, he closes his eyes. The head is on the pillow, embracing his hair, which sticks out in every direction.

And when he hears the lyrics he lets a small smirk occupy his lips.

_Damn._

 

 

 

“Yesterday I went to the cinema and the film I watched was so shitty, can I just replay that day to change my decision?” Seungcheol asks two boys, who share lunch with him.

The cafeteria is full right now, students standing in a long queue to grab anything just to stop any growling, which is dying to break through their stomachs. That’s why Mingyu got used to buying food outside the college, because, first, it’s cheaper, second, you don’t have to worry about passing out in the middle of waiting for food to appear in your hands. And since Mingyu is a glutton, his stomach will eat itself out before he drops something in there. In this case takeout food from small cafés and sandwiches from 24-hour supermarkets are the best choice.

“I could have bought anything else on this money,” Seungcheol continues his whining, while Mingyu is stuffing his face with everything he brought for today’s meal and Jihoon is making notes for his class.

“Like what?” the youngest among them asks, when he hasn’t chewed his sandwich well yet.

“Like… additional burger, I don’t know?”

“I approve,” Mingyu lifts his thumb up to show his respect towards Seungcheol for such a great decision, which makes the latter exhale laughter.

Jihoon stretches his hand for a coffee cup and makes a gulp. Even though his classes only start now he hasn’t slept a wink. As if something bothered him all this time, deprived him of every chance to close the eyes and let the body be submerged into a bear hug of the sleepy kingdom. No need to say, Jihoon is the kind of person who prefers not to sleep at night and instead spend this time on something unnecessary. Like on homework, which is hardly ever checked, or videogames. Yes, sometimes he’s engaged in composing, and when he is there is no way possible to attract his attention. Music is the safe ocean for Jihoon, where he is accustomed to sinking.

“And why was it shitty?” he asks, after clearing his throat and resuming work.

Seungcheol narrows his eyes, corners of his lips falling down at once.

“Well, there appeared to be a storyline about two guys fucking each other,” his voice is no more warm, as it was two minutes ago, just coldness and utter disgust hiding behind it. “I don’t know what is more disgusting than that”.

Mingyu feels all his being tensing up. The most dangerous topic for Jihoon is touched and by none other than Seungcheol.

_That must be a fucking joke._

The youngest turns his head to look at Jihoon, who is so used to such type of behavior, that it’s easy for him to keep unemotional face. He doesn’t put his pen away or close his notebook. Everything looks like Seungcheol has just said the most ordinary phrase ever that it’s not even worth any reaction. As if it’s normal to accuse a person of being gay. As if it’s normal to _accuse_.

“Was it _that_ disgusting?” Jihoon’s voice is firm, despite the fact that there must be a squall of emotions devouring his every bone.

Seungcheol smirks and lets a shit-eating grin settle on his lips. Mingyu has never seen him being like this; the guy’s face is so full of aversion, eyes are narrowed, and all this makes him look like a homophobic bigot.

“Gays are _abominable_ ”.

Mingyu widens his eyes, because it’s hard for him to hide the shock. Even though Seungcheol doesn’t know about Jihoon’s feelings, this phrase sounded like an insult. For Jihoon who has always been afraid of his own feelings towards guys, it sounded like a _sentence_.

The whole situation is extremely difficult to be ameliorated.

Mingyu thinks that there is no way for their discussion to worsen, but then Seungcheol opens his mouth again, spitting the words just into Jihoon’s face.

“What kind of _loser_ can be in love with a guy?” he lowers his voice so that it sounds a lot deeper than usual. “There must be a bug in nature’s system that we have these _ill_ people walking around us. I can’t even imagine being friends with a guy, who thinks about getting into my pants. That’s so fucking hideous, you know. To talk to a male friend and then discover that he’s thinking of sucking your dick”.

“I doubt there is a guy who wants to suck your dick”.

Before Mingyu realizes it those words fly out his mouth and create a grave silence between them. He looks at Seungcheol, whose eyes are wide open and so is the mouth. There is an astonishment on his face.

Until this very moment Mingyu has been trying to hide his previous self, because he thought that highschooler Kim Mingyu is just a temporal guise, and the moment he made his farewells to the school everything would come off and leave Kim Mingyu’s body to the _real_ Kim Mingyu – the guy, who had been too shy to live among people. But there was one thing that he must have overlooked.

When a person tries to cover their real self under the mask, this mask and the skin grow together.

No need to say, Mingyu spent too much time hiding.

“What the fuck, dude?” Seungcheol finally gets over his shock, and it’s obvious that he’s a bit angry with Mingyu now. “Are you defending those _faggots_ or what?”

The youngest turns his head to the side where Jihoon is sitting only to find the latter rising his eyebrows in surprise, and looking at Mingyu, as if he has said something Jihoon never expected him to. Which is completely right. Mingyu notes that his friend either is not that offended by Seungcheol’s rubbish words or just extremely good at pretending. Jihoon is a miracle to be easily read and understood even by Mingyu.

However, the thing Mingyu clearly understands by now is that he’s sick of this shit.

And there’s no forgiving Seungcheol.

“I’m saying that there is no guy, who wants to suck your dick”.

By the corner of his eye, Mingyu notices that Jihoon is slightly smiling. While Mingyu’s legs are trembling like insane. Even though he feels how much he’s afraid of what is going to happen next, he’s still too angry to let Seungcheol think that his opinion is not the only one that has a right to exist.

_It’s okay. He should be taught a lesson._

_But he’s a good friend of mine, and he’s popular. I’m going to ruin everything!_

_It’s a college, Mingyu. No one gives two fucks about you and your opinion._

_What if I’m ruining Jihoon’s life right now?_

_Jihoon would be thankful if you get rid of this fucker._

“Not every guy who is gay is interested in your ass,” Mingyu says through his clenched teeth, sure that everything he’s doing now is only for the better.

Seungcheol’s expression changes to the extremely furious one, and he clenches his fists. Mingyu knows perfectly that the older is not going to punch him because it’s against his principles, but seeing him in such an irascible state is something completely new. Usually Seungcheol is all smiles and witty jokes, greeting everyone he knows and meets in the hallways, flirting with girls and being extremely charming. But now everything from this Seungcheol is gone together with Mingyu’s sanity.

“Hey, Mingyu, what’s wrong with you?” the tone of Seungcheol’s voice is almost as full of evil as his face.

“At least you can be sure that I’m not interested in it”.

Suddenly Mingyu hears Jihoon laughing like insane, letting his frustration fly out with loud laughter. The oldest looks at both of them with an utter shock because, first, Mingyu has just stated that he’s attracted to guys, even though he himself is still struggling to find out his sexual orientation, second, Seungcheol has never seen Jihoon being so emotional, especially, so immersed in laughing. And he can’t understand what the fuck is happening right now.

Not until he hears Jihoon saying.

“Me too, hyung. I’m sorry to disappoint you”.

The moment Mingyu hears this, he bets his lips are touched with a large smile, because, wow, Jihoon is no more afraid. Not afraid to come out in front of the person, he’s in love with but who just happened to be a homophobic jerk. Considering the fact that Jihoon has always been vulnerable about topic of his sexual orientation itself, now he has released his stress, and it is worth admiration.

_What a mess we’ve just caused._

Mingyu stretches his hand towards a cup of coffee because his throat suddenly feels very dry from all the words he has said. The whole situation is so weird. Even though someday Seungcheol would have found everything out. It’s been just the matter of time. Such things as, for example, your attraction to somebody, are difficult to hide from your friends. Seungcheol isn’t the dumbest person Mingyu has ever known, he is just blind to the truth he doesn’t want to know. Jihoon’s feeling may be that truth. That’s why his surprise at the behavior of these two is sincere.

When being in the middle school, Mingyu used to be extremely blind to everything that seemed not pleasing.

The moment his favorite dog was gone, he didn’t believe it. Four weeks after he still tried to look for it outside, spending afternoons and evenings running through the parks, asking passers-by whether they had or hadn’t seen his charming ball of fur passing them by only to find out that it had been seen nowhere.

But then reality hit him hard with the truck.

The moment he found his favorite book in a garbage bin behind the school because some bullies had decided to tear it’s pages apart, since “Mingyu, you’re such a pussy”, he tried not to believe his own eyes.

Then Mingyu finally learnt, that average kids don’t read books given to the fact that they prefer stay illiterate, because some middle-schoolers think that “nerds tend to be faggots”. He heard the most popular asshole of his middle school saying this to the guy, who happened to pass him and his clique by in a wrong time.

Even though Mingyu’s logic had never been well developed, he didn’t manage to bring words ‘nerd’ and ‘faggot’ together. Neither he liked the meaning and the message of the second one.

And now he can see Seungcheol trying to absorb everything they have just said. He is sitting still, eyes are wide open, and, much to Mingyu’s relief, there is no disgust on his face. Just a struggle to understand what is happening, ‘struggle’ being a keyword.

Not until Mingyu puts his cup on the table does Seungcheol speaks again.

“So, you two are trying to say, that you’re _gays_?”

“Mingyu hasn’t decided yet but I’m pretty much gay,” Jihoon smirks, and Mingyu sees no sparkles in his eyes anymore. Just disappointment because he let himself be fooled with Seungcheol’s being.

The oldest throws glances at Mingyu and at Jihoon, waiting for anybody to say that it’s all just a prank that has got way too far, or at least for them to drop a hint. But all he sees in front of him is two guys, smiling both bitterly and joyfully, proving by this that Seungcheol is the one and only here who is to blame.

No need to say it drives him crazy. To the greatest extent possible. He rises up from his chair, not looking at them anymore.

“Where are you going?” Mingyu inquires first, because Seungcheol is obviously trying to run away.

The latter turns around.

“Somewhere where I can think all my life through again,” he answers unemotionally and lift his bag from the floor, checking on it being closed. “I’m not going to apologize, because that’s my opinion, but let me sort everything out in my head”.

And he leaves.

Mingyu can feel his body relaxing, because he has been tensed up all this time. He looks at Jihoon and sees that his shoulders also have dropped down, and a loud sigh leaves his mouth. They were at the knife’s edge to hold such a conversation, and Mingyu doubts that their sexual orientation is still their secret. Seungcheol has never been a gossip, but owing to Mingyu’s harsh talking he may be one from now on.

“Surprisingly, he was tranquil,” Jihoon starts rising from his place too because, unfortunately, heartbreak cannot affect your schedule and no one is going to cancel classes because of this.

Mingyu looks around and sees just a bunch of kids, collecting their papers and being ready to leave for their classrooms. They must have spent the whole break here. Usually Jihoon and Mingyu were the first to leave this place but today’s breaking talk prevented them from sticking to their tradition. And Jihoon is the most stubborn person in this matter Mingyu has ever seen.

“You know, I feel like getting wasted,” Mingyu blurts before he realizes it. When he entered this college, he decided to stay away from alcohol and, especially, parties. But right now he is too sad to actually care about his previous decisions.

“Me too,” Jihoon chuckles and nods to the exit, trying to speed up Mingyu’s pace. “Should we call Seokmin? He is always so desperate to have us at his parties”.

“Yeah, it would be great”.

 

_I wish I could see him there._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, thank you so much for waiting!  
> I've finally handed in my year work in History of Political Studies, so I feel extremely free now. (no)  
> Remember, you cannot write a paper in Chinese philosophy unless you're drunk.
> 
> I don't know whether you have already noticed it or not, but all my chapters' titles are lines from the songs that suit the contents of them. And 'Laugh Till I Cry' is the song by The Front Bottoms. Here is the list of the songs by chapters:
> 
> ch 1: 'Touch' by Daughter  
> ch 2: 'Joanie' by The Front Bottoms  
> ch 3: 'Help' by The Front Bottoms  
> and ch 4: 'Torn Apart' by Enter Shikari
> 
> I'll try to post the next chapter asap so stay tuned! Maybe later I'll make a schedule.
> 
> Love you as always! <3
> 
> p.s. HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GOING SEVENTEEN MEDLEY I'M CRYING BECAUSE OF WONWOO'S SINGING HE IS MY THE MOST FAVORITE WAY OF DYING OKAY


	5. no one knows how far apart we've stayed to get through

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Mingyu again regrets knowing nothing about constellations.

Two minutes into partying and Mingyu already feels like shit. He cannot say that he’s drunk, because the way thoughts appear in his head and their contents are pretty rational. Despite the fact that Mingyu is usually completely irrational. He bets that the moment he rises up from his chair he won’t feel the world shifting under his feet. He can hear clearly and his vision is not blurred.

But he still feels like shit.

When they got here two hours ago, they were greeted by extremely beaming Seokmin, who was too glad to see his friends finally attending the party after so many invitations. They always ditched him when the topic of partying was brought up, and Seokmin sincerely couldn’t understand why. He has always been sure that nothing in this world can prevent people from having fun. There were already a lot of people in the house, their face were unfamiliar to both Mingyu and Jihoon, but it wasn’t surprising. They had friends less than fingers on their hands.

Music played loudly, echoing with a deep vibration inside of their chests. Mingyu touched his body where presumably solar plexus is located, because he was no more used to this feeling, to the feeling of chest trembling like insane and spreading these noises right to all corners of his body. Jihoon just stood there, all his desire to get drunk disappearing, because there were too many people, too many.

Yet two hours have already passed from that moment.

Mingyu is sitting on the chair in the kitchen, drinking the third can of beer and wondering, why he is still not even dizzy. Maybe his body is already resistant to alcohol considering how many times he has gotten intoxicated until now. That’s not the best conclusion to come to when you’re only nineteen. People are crowding all around the house, occupying sofas, corners and every room this house has. Some are already sleeping because the large amount of alcohol must have hit them, making them sink in the sleepy kingdom. Mingyu can see no familiar faces near him. Since the very beginning he only saw Seokmin and Jihoon, both of them disappearing somewhere one by one a bit later. It’s not like he feels lonely and ditched sitting here alone. He’s not used to be silent when everyone around him are partying, since it has never been like this. He was usually surrounded by a bunch of drunk teenagers, complimenting everything about him just to be somehow present in his life. If Mingyu was to answer why everyone desired his attention that much he wouldn’t be able to answer.

_If I were you, I wouldn’t like me._

He puts his can on the table after guzzling the beer. Everything around him makes him sick. The room is too stuffy, people are too drunk, the music is too loud. Mingyu can feel his ears throbbing from every song he has already listened to.

_We were built to last,_

_We were built like that._

_Baby, take my hand,_

_Tighten this romance._

“I’m not ready to listen to love songs,” Mingyu whispers and chuckles. It’s not like anybody can hear him saying this, still he feels more comfortable not to be too loud. This is what the music is responsible for.

He leaves the kitchen, trying to find the way out of all this mess, which surrounds him. His legs are steady enough to make it to anywhere, yet Mingyu can feel the smile occupy his lips. He doubts this is his will to smile so widely but he doesn’t mind it. Students around him are actually in another dimension now to even look at Mingyu, passing them by with a large stupid grin.

_Way too soon I feel so strong._

_Way too young to hurt so long._

_I’m hurting._

_Was it worth it?_

“God, fuck these love songs,” he says louder this time and draws the attention of a random girl leaning against the wall. She stares at him with a puzzled expression but soon enough she’s all smiles talking to her friend. Mingyu bets that in the morning she will remember nothing.

Trying to find the way out Mingyu ends up being in the backyard. Much to his relief, there is no one beside him. The backyard is small, yet he can see flowers planted everywhere. This is the season now when only an aster and a peony can survive, while others finished their blossoming earlier. Near the door Mingyu sees a small bench, a flowerpot standing next to it. When he comes closer he recognizes ficus. Back at home he had one, that lived in his room and greeted him each time he went there to smash his face against the pillow. Mingyu’s mother took care of this plant when the boy himself had no time to do so, which means, always. Not until ficus withered did Mingyu understand how much he liked it being there.

He sits down on the bench and stretches his legs, because they’re a bit hurting for some reason. Maybe Mingyu should have slept more than two hours this night. Sometimes German gets on his nerves.

The air is cold enough not to let him fall asleep. The chilly wind floats around Mingyu, drawing the lines of his body and giving him goosebumps. It is such a freshening feeling, Mingyu is glad he hasn’t worn any jacket.

He finally feels relaxed.

Then the small creak of the door opening disturbs the silence.

Mingyu immediately opens his eyes and looks towards the place where the sound came from only to see none other than Wonwoo standing there. He is in his black leather jacket and tight blue jeans, holding a cigarette with his lips.

Mingyu’s heartbeat accelerates to the greatest extent possible, because _wow, Wonwoo, how can you be so good-looking?_

Wonwoo takes out his cigarette and points towards the bench as if asking whether he can join Mingyu’s oasis or not. It takes less than a second for Mingyu to nod his head in permission. It’s not like he can say ‘no’ to the older. His heart is ready to break his chest. He can feel his cheeks reddening and a nervous feeling knitting inside of his stomach.

If only anybody asks Mingyu why he feels so towards Wonwoo, he won’t give any answer. Since the moment he first saw him everything has changed in his life. Like a hurricane came into his mind just to destruct everything he had thought about, ruin his every idea and his own ideology, views on what people could look like. On what he could look like. It was some kind of therapy, he was so in need of. The only thing that still bothers him is that Mingyu can’t understand, why the mere look at Wonwoo then made his being turn upside down. As if it was destined.

No, don’t mind this fool named Kim Mingyu.

Wonwoo comes to Mingyu to sit near him. He doesn’t wear his glasses today, which make him look not that nerdy as yesterday. His fringe is up tonight, opening his pale forehead. Mingyu wonders why Wonwoo is so dressed up today, but then he remembers that this is only the third time he sees the guy. Maybe he’s like this every day. Maybe he absolutely differs from that person Mingyu sees in front of him.

He, after all, knows nothing about him.

The older brings his lighter to the cigarette and lights it, inhaling the smoke, and lets it leave his mouth to dissolve in the air. He sits still for a moment before puffing at his cigarette again. Wonwoo’s palms are half covered with his dark brown long sleeve, and this doesn’t suit much his leather jacket, but he couldn’t care less. Only after the second drag he feels Mingyu’s stare on him

“In case you’re wondering, I smoke only when I’m drunk,” he says looking at the younger’s face which happens to be close. Mingyu can only pray for Wonwoo not noticing the red on his cheeks.

“I must say it suits you,” Mingyu says trying to hide the fact that he’s embarrassed by such a short distance between them. He can feel Wonwoo smell like smoke and strong eau de cologne. His lips are slightly parted, and eyes are a bit narrowed because of the wind chasing itself right before them. And if Mingyu doesn’t look at him in awe right now he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

“I must say thank you,” Wonwoo smirks and shakes the ash off on the ground.

The silence between them is comfortable enough not to have it be disturbed by any words. Mingyu bets he can hear them breathing, the wind making them feel cold. Right now he somewhat regrets not bringing his jacket with him, but the moment he shares with Wonwoo is too precious to ruin it by going and looking for it. He prefers freezing over leaving the older, as funny as that.

“Why had you been here alone before I came?” Wonwoo asks suddenly, putting his cigarette out. There is no light left outside, them sitting in the full darkness.

“Because Jihoon and Seokmin ditched me, and beside them I didn’t see anyone familiar”.

Wonwoo laughs and says: “Wow, that doesn’t look like Kim Mingyu”.

“As if you know what real Kim Mingyu does look like”.

Wonwoo turns his head to stare at the younger, who has just answered harshly to his phrase. He can see a discontent in Mingyu’s eyes and doubts whether he should say something now.

No words come then.

Mingyu blankly stares at the sky, trying to count the amount of stars that are visible now, and he for the thousandth time regrets knowing nothing about constellations. Billions of stars are shining in every corner of the universe, yet they’re unknown to him.

“Do you know anything about constellations?” Mingyu breaks the silence and draws Wonwoo’s attention who also has been staring at the sky all this time.

“I wish I knew”.

“Me too. It feels like by knowing anything about stars I’m one step closer to discovering what the eternity means,” Mingyu chuckles and stretches his hand right to the stars, becoming only less than a meter closer to the sky, and to the whole eternity. “I think that when nothing in this world lasts forever at least these stars, that may have died centuries ago, seem like rebels in this time-regime”.

Wonwoo smiles and closes his eyes to speak.

“ _I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness_ ,” he pauses for a second, as Mingyu turns his head to look at him, “ _who threw their watches off the roof to cast their ballot for Eternity outside the Time_ …”

“… _and alarm clocks fell on their heads every day for the next decade_ ”.

Mingyu slightly smiles when he sees Wonwoo’s a bit shocked face, as if Mingyu has just done something incredible. He understands that the main reason for such reaction may be that Wonwoo has never considered him to be a book-reader. That is both offensive and funny to Mingyu, yet the second variant is more suitable for current Mingyu’s condition. So he just laughs instead, which makes Wonwoo be bewildered a bit.

“I bet you thought I’ve never read a book,” silence from Wonwoo’s side only can mean ‘yes’, as Mingyu thinks, “but this is what I’ve been doing for the last fifteen years”.

The older changes his facial expression to the usual restraint, but then can’t help but burst into quiet laughter. His voice is so deep and yet tender, it gives Mingyu even more goosebumps that he already has because of the cold. If tomorrow he will have a fever, he won’t blame anyone or anything for it, since it’s all worth it. Wonwoo’s laughter is priceless.

_Oh God, I might be really head over heels for him._

“Now I can say, that I don’t know Kim Mingyu at all,” Wonwoo says finally looking at nowhere. A small smile occupies his lips, and it makes Mingyu feel like he’s at home.

_Can I be not so gay?_

_What should I do? It is so strange yet comfortable to feel that._

Since yesterday, Mingyu has felt a struggle happening inside of his mind. Those feelings are extremely strange and unknown to him, for he has never been in love with a guy before. To be honest, he has never been in love at all. The information on relationship and the meaning of the word ‘love’ – that he got from different books and dictionaries – are not helpful. Every book provided him with different description of these feelings, so that it was impossible for him to sum everything up and obtain the only meaning of the word ‘love’.

Yet now he feels like it might be at least amorousness. Not love, of course.

“No one knows real Kim Mingyu”.

“It’s a pity”.

Wonwoo sits there for a couple of minutes, before getting up and stretching his body. He then lets a yawn leave his mouth, because it’s already late to be awake. Even though tomorrow is Saturday, which means no classes, it’s necessary to sleep.

“It was nice talking to you,” the older says in a low voice before heading to the door and continuing over his left shoulder, “see you”.

When Mingyu is about to say the same, he hears the door closing.

 

_I’m really so fucking much in love with him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this chapter!
> 
> The title song of this chapter is "Option" by Crosses. I felt like it had strong connection to the plot. And the lyrics are just great.   
> The song, that was played at the party, is "Last Dance" by Dua Lipa.  
> Finally, the lines, that Wonwoo and Mingyu cited, are from "Howl" by Allen Ginsberg. I really love this poem.
> 
> There may be some typos because I'm very tired after such a long week. The main problem of my university is that I have 3 classes on Saturday. And I study 6 days a week, screw this system.
> 
> Well, I'll try to post the next chapter asap.  
> Love you, guys!


	6. i used to care what you think about me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now baby look what it's come to.

_Bzzz._

The table’s surface is vibrating from the sudden notification, which catches the Chinese blond-head off-guard. He jumps up on his chair and throws a glance on the source of the sound. On seeing the name of his disturber, which is ‘Soonyoung’, he just sighs in anger and continues revising for tomorrow’s quiz. Right now, at 5 p.m., library is pretty empty which allows to study in silence. Especially, when Soonyoung, much to Junhui’s relief, is nowhere to be found.

Still the gray-haired chatterbox has his number.

_Bzzz._

The second message startles the guy, preventing him from finishing the sentence. He looks again at his phone to find ‘Soonyoung’ there again. He silently scolds his friend’s whole existence and continues writing. Junhui remembers that Seokmin told him two hours ago about the party, which, presumably, is to take place today. The latter was so excited about it, since Mingyu and Jihoon had finally accepted his invitation.

Since Junhui has been to Seokmin’s parties several times already, he doesn’t expect anything grandiose from today’s one. Just another evening, when everyone will get drunk to that point, they won’t be able to make it to their dorms. But sometimes it is something he’s so in need of. Just to relieve his stress that usually piles up at the end of every week and, to be honest, at the end of every day. There is just so much stress in life that you don’t even have time to get rid of it as it again enters your life. A vicious circle of tiredness and nervousness. Junhui thinks that he has already reached his limits but then he receives another text from Soonyoung. The table vibrates again, and Junhui runs his hand through the hair in frustration. He takes the phone and unlocks it to read all the messages, which Soonyoung has been bombarding him with.

However, when he reads them, his mouth slightly opens in surprise and a look of disbelief covers his eyes.

_It can’t be._

The guy dials his friend’s number at once to make sure that everything he has just seen is real.

But how he wishes that nothing of it was.

It takes five seconds for Soonyoung to pick up the phone.

“ _Yeah?”_

“Are you fucking kidding me?” these words leave Junhui’s mouth before he can think about anything. The rage eats him from inside so that his whole body is ready to explode.

“ _I wish I fucking was_ ”, Junhui can hear a loud sigh from the other side which makes him think that yes, Soonyoung is not that glad either. None of them is happy to realize that a hurricane, which crashed everything in the life of their loved one, is back.

“So you’re saying, that this fucker is back, because he suddenly decided to change his college in the middle of the third term, and it just happened that he applied for the same fucking college and for the same goddamn major as Wonwoo?”

“ _Yes, Junhui_ ”, Soonyoung keeps silent for a minute trying to gather his thoughts and speaks again. “ _I’ll bet he knows that we’re here_ ”.

“Why the fuck he even exists…”

Junhui covers his face with his left hand and exhales loudly. He is really glad that there is no one in the library now which means that he’s free to express his own anger. The boy can feel his hands trembling with indignation, the whole his being shaking at the thought, that another thing has frustrated everything that costed them so dear.

“ _Jun-ah_ ,” he can hear Soonyoung whining.

“Yes?”

“ _What should we do?_ ”

“Try to survive,” Junhui gathers all his notebooks in order to put them all into his backpack, since he’s not in the right mood to revise anything. “The only thing I know is that I won’t visit today’s party”.

“ _Why?_ ”

The guy clears his throat, takes his backpack full of study material and smiles slightly into his answer.

“I doubt this jerk will succeed in finding the right way to the campus on his first day here,” he leaves the library in hurry even though he doesn’t know where exactly he should be heading now. “He hasn’t changed his phone number, has he?”

“ _Well, I don’t know, since I met him ten minutes ago near the gates_ ”.

“And you decided to play hide-and-seek?”

“ _… yes_ ”.

Junhui can’t help but laugh. Every time something serious happens in their lives, Soonyoung becomes so ridiculous and just messes everything up. It’s not like he’s always rational, because he’s absolutely not, but sometimes he’s even more absent-minded.

“Okay, I’ll try to call him,” and he hangs up the call leaving Soonyoung alone with silence.

As Junhui searches through contacts in his phone he starts to think, that maybe it’s not such a great idea to face the problem by running straight towards it with his arms wide open for a bear hug. It’s not the thing that should be done by a cool-headed human being. There is a high chance that everything will be ruined again, that Wonwoo will be again in pain. And that it’s Junhui who will be to blame.

But he, at least, should try.

The guy thinks everything over and taps on the ‘call’ icon, before anything can stop him. There are annoying beeps can be heard, which cause Junhui tap his fingers against the surface which is nearest to him.

Until the recipient answers the phone.

“Ni hao, Hao Hao,” Junhui says with a smirk, which quickly turns into an evil grin. “What’s up?”

 

 

 

 

“I hope he won’t ruin everything,” Soonyoung mutters under his breath, when Junhui ends their conversation. No doubt, he is on the phone with Minghao, which brings nervousness into Soonyoung’s mind and erupts into a disgusting knot in his stomach. When Junhui is angry, he’s way more dangerous than a bomb which is ready to blow the whole town up. Though this kid is notable for being extremely optimistic, even when it’s really improper to be so, he may cause a hellish nuclear war when being furious.

“Who?”

Soonyoung jumps in his seat and turns around to see Wonwoo enter the room with a towel on his head, trying to dry locks of his charcoal hair.

“Who won’t ruin everything?” Wonwoo inquires again when hears no answer from the gray-haired guy, whose mouth is slightly open, giving away that the matter he has finished discussing on his phone not long ago is a secret.

Soonyoung tries to say something, but his lips part and close again, repeating this chain of actions ridiculous number of times, making him look like he is a goldfish, whose memory betrays itself every three seconds. Until not the most sane response leaves his mouth.

“My grandpa”.

_Eat it._

Maybe because Soonyoung resembles a really angry hamster right now with his cheeks inflated in an excessive anger and lips forming a pout, which is so difficult to leave unnoticed, especially with Wonwoo’s ability to see something in those things, which have no meaning behind them and are completely useless to anyone’s being. Maybe because Wonwoo is actually not that gloomy today to try to ruin his own mood by Soonyoung’s usual freaks. Maybe because Wonwoo wants to feel appropriate for the carouse, which is right over the corner, and is waiting for him to faint with dizziness.

But the dark-haired guy just laughs everything off and heads towards his bed with a small grin engaging his lips.

“Okay, let’s count it as a good answer,” he murmurs before he slides off his pale brown t-shirt, which is covered with water, constantly dripping from his still wet locks, and throws it on the nearest chair. Every time he goes to take a shower or just wash his hair, he thinks, that maybe it’s not such a good idea to wear anything on his torso, because when he comes back to his room he’s forced to get rid of a drenched piece of clothes. But shyness plays more important role in his life, and he’d rather pierce his heart with a blunt knife, than show his body to everyone. Though, it’s not like anyone cares, besides Wonwoo himself.

Silence again settles between them in a really comfortable way. Soonyoung is still staring at Wonwoo when the latter is searching through his wardrobe in order to find anything appropriate to wear. Soon he is going to Seokmin’s party to get drunk, and at least his clothes should look okay when he doesn’t look decent.

“Jun can’t make it to today’s party,” Wonwoo can hear Soonyoung saying in a low and a bit nervous voice. He closes his wardrobe, holding a simple black t-shirt in his right hand, and turns his head to look at his friend.

“You know, I’ve never seen any difference between Jun and your grandfather,” he sinks in his t-shirt with a loud sigh. Everything these days seems difficult.

Soonyoung laughs in approval, and Wonwoo again feels proud of himself. Among their friend circle he’s known to be the least funny person, who can’t provide everyone with decent jokes. But Soonyoung is Wonwoo’s lifesaver in this matter.

“Don’t you find this kid interesting?” the boy with grayish hair inquires suddenly.

“Kid?” Wonwoo turns his head just to look at Soonyoung with a questioning expression on his face. The latter sure likes talking in riddles.

“Yeah. Mingyu”.

The guy with dark hair suddenly freezes in the process of changing his jeans. He recalls the last time he met Mingyu, last evening, when the latter happened to be their neighbor, which was not the most pleasant news for Wonwoo. Because something about Mingyu was really strange. His whole behavior looked weird. As if he really liked Wonwoo.

Though the latter is positive that no one is going have such feelings for him.

“I don’t know”, he bites his bottom lip a bit in trying to find the right answer. “He’s just weird”.

“His behavior does differ from that one in high school”, Soonyoung stands up and stretches himself because of having spent so much time sitting on his butt. This is somewhat unusual for him, not to move for a couple of seconds. “But I find him even more appealing now”.

Wonwoo chokes on the air.

“Appealing?”

“Yeah. Look!” he points to the ceiling. “There was the reason for him being so popular in school. And what people usually see first when they give an assessment to anyone?”

“Face”.

Soonyoung makes a strange pose after which he can’t be considered to be sane.

“Yes! Kim Mingyu’s face, THE face, goddammit”.

“Oh, God, Soonyoung, stop”, Wonwoo releases a loud sigh because someday this boy’s behavior is going be the death of him. “For fuck’s sake, stop being insane”.

The mentioned person just smiles wide so that his eyes form crescents.

“There is no such thing in the world as ‘sane Kwon Soonyoung’, Wonwoo”.

“Damn, I should have known this before you befriended me”.

“But I doubt you would have changed if it hadn’t been for me then”.

“Yes, you’re right”.

Wonwoo still recalls everything what happened when he was on his first year in high school. When Soonyoung entered his life and ended that hell he was suffering from, then Junhui just appeared in his life, and Wonwoo still can’t understand how.

That year was a mess. It made the dark-haired guy be that uncertain in everything and vulnerable now.

Not always what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Sometimes it just makes the perfect target for the next deadly shot out of you.

“The party is gonna start soon. Are you ready to go?” Wonwoo asks Soonyoung, before the latter turns into a lazy ass, which he likes doing every day after classes.

“Yep, let’s go!” Soonyoung stretches his hand towards the door, so that it looks like he’s a warrior who is ready to seizure a castle. Something he always sees in his dreams.

But the only thought he has in his head now is that he should prevent Wonwoo from meeting that person.

No matter what.

 

 

 

When Wonwoo leaves Mingyu at this backyard alone, the latter can do nothing but keep sighing.

He doesn’t feel the cool of the late evening enough because of the all alcohol he has consumed. It’s just lukewarm. The night, the bank, the air.

And his heart.

The feeling of both joy from seeing Wonwoo and devastation from realization that they both are never going to end up being together. After seeing Seungcheol’s reaction, Mingyu is afraid. He’s afraid that if Wonwoo ever finds out this part of him, he’s going to face the scorn. Like it was with Jihoon.

But Mingyu is not that strong.

Mingyu is miles away from being strong. He’s a child who has fallen in love for the first time in his life. He’s a child whose real age is just numbers, stated in his id-card.

He’s still that boy who used to spend his days reading books, which he had always borrowed from the father’s study, in the park.

But now he’s completely lost.

Like Ralph in the cesspit of primitive animals, his own feelings, that are ready to murder and then devour each other.

_Maybe I’ll be able to hide my feelings from him till the moment I die._

Mingyu stands up from the bank and looks around to see that he is still alone here. He can hear the music playing inside the house, where Wonwoo went not more than ten minutes ago. The urge to turn the doorknob and enter the house just to find his beloved one there is so strong, that he moves closer to the door. When he opens the door the whole dialog with his crush is going to be just a memory. The memory for him, but he can’t guarantee that Wonwoo even now still remembers everything.

Dreams feel real while we’re in them. It’s only when we wake up that we realize, something was actually strange.

And when Mingyu gets sober the whole party will look like a strange dream for him.

He opens the door and enters a stuffy room, where only some people are still dancing to the music, when most of those who were here earlier are too dizzy to stand still. Mingyu observes the surroundings but Wonwoo is already nowhere to be found. Even Soonyoung and Jihoon are not here.

_Seems like everyone forgot about me._

The beat of the song is like a sound of a hammer bouncing against his skull. He goes to the front door trying not to step on something inappropriate because hell knows what is scattered all over the floor in his house. Considering the mere fact that there are also many people who even Seokmin doesn’t know.

The way out of this mess feels as long as a flight New York – Moscow, but when Mingyu finally opens the front door he sees Wonwoo there. With Soonyoung and Jihoon.

And Junhui somehow also here.

And one guy who is not familiar at all.

But everyone is staring at him.

“What are you doing here, you jerk?” Mingyu can hear Wonwoo screaming, and the latter’s face is full of hatred and scorn, something Mingyu doesn’t want to face at all.

The guy Wonwoo is screaming at is tall and extremely skinny, with his limbs a bit unordinary long. His hair is of the red color, ears are pierced, with two crosses hanging down them. He’s wearing an oversized hoody and tight jeans, which makes him look even more skinnier than he is, if it’s even possible.

“I missed you”, the stranger says and comes a bit closer, which makes it more easier for Mingyu to observe his face.

“And I wish I didn’t see your face!” Wonwoo says with more disgust in his ton, the face distorted with fury.

Junhui comes closer to the unknown boy, and takes him by the collar and hisses.

“You missed Wonwoo, my ass. Just shut your mouth before you lose all your teeth”.

“But Wonwoo”, despite being a second away from being hit by Junhui, the boy looks at Wonwoo in somewhat desperate way. “I still love you”.

This time bewilderment leaves Soonyoung’s face and only anger can be seen on it. He runs straight to the stranger and makes his knuckle meet the latter’s jaw.

And before Mingyu can digest the situation, these words leave his mouth.

“What the hell?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, I've written it. Thanks to whiskey.
> 
> The song of this chapter is "Fuck with Myself" by Banks.  
> And this phrase - "Dreams feel real while we’re in them. It’s only when we wake up that we realize, something was actually strange" - was taken from the cover of the single "Limbo" by Dean.
> 
> Because of whiskey there may be some mistake but I'll correct everything later.  
> love you all <3


End file.
